I Don't Know How to Be Vulnerable Anymore

Of all the posts to start with, I am not sure why I want to start with this one. Quite honestly I've been thinking of new blog posts multiple times a month for over 8 months. I've always mentally written them, so to actually sit down and write this post feels a little strange. But I guess that's the point of this. I don't know how to be vulnerable online anymore. And in losing that, I also feel like I've lost my ability to be authentic.

For those of you who don't know me, I built my entire brand around me and my real life. My whole thing was about authenticity and I believed that part of building community and helping others find safety in themselves was finding safety in myself. It was allowing myself to be whole and to show that to others. Even when it was hard or what I was sharing wasn't pretty. Everything that I did centered around the concept that you can be the wholest, most complete expression of yourself and still be worthy and capable of manifesting everything you desire. You are allowed to be completely human and your internal world does not always have to be sunshine and rainbows to be a vibrational match to what you deep down already know is yours.

But part of that authenticity was also being very clear and intentional with my energy. I wanted to lead by example. So, when I started to feel the nudge that I needed to be clear and focused because I was about to have my tower moment, I listened. When I felt pulled towards some of my other passions and felt that initial desire to temporarily step away from coaching, I listened. I would love to tell you that this decision was one hundred percent coming from my intuition. But the truth is, I don't know if it was. I do believe in some ways I was being intuitively guided to my next steps and while I am so happy with the balance I am achieving and the introduction of some new passions, I can't sit here and tell you that fear and ego were not a significant portion of that decision.

Anyway, so I have my tower moment. I fall apart and I allow myself to slowly stitch together this new version of myself (I am still doing this). But somewhere along the way, I became afraid of showing up as authentically as I previously did. And that makes me sad. Because it feels like I went through my tower moment and I was willing to sit in the discomfort. But then I threw up walls around my entire self. Not just my heart, but literally my entire identity. And now I only show others small pieces of myself. I can only show up in pieces online and as you can imagine, that doesn't feel great. Especially as someone who holds authenticity and authentic expression as her top value.

It feels like I am guarding myself away. I feel like no one is allowed to see me in my entirety. I keep trying to show more of myself, but it literally gets hidden away in this fog and I can't even access the parts of me I want to share with others. And that is in such sharp contrast to who I was previously, that it just feels odd and lonely. I want to tear those walls down, but quite honestly, I don't know why they are up in the first place (outside of fear of rejection and fear of danger). 

And so, I guess this is what healing looks like for now. Thank you to every single one of you for being here. I love you more than words can express and I know that one day, you and I will be back to the point where this kind of intimacy, vulnerability, and being seen feels normal and effortless again.

Much Love, Always,

Shar