Choose A New Reaction (the anxiety expirement)

Hello Queen,

I want to share a story with you. 

I still deal with anxiety. This frustrates me because I have been able to heal nearly everything else in my life, but this stubbornly remains. 

I strongly believe in respecting yourself and giving yourself space to grow through whatever you are feeling. But when I found myself panicking on Friday, something felt different. 

I struggled to breath, my heart demanded my attention with its loud pounding. My brain swirled with a million colorful disasters. And this went on for hours. 

I practiced what I preach and acknowledged that while this was an extremely uncomfortable space to be in (no one wants be on the verge of a panic attack for hours), I was allowed to be in it. I let the anxiety reveal its purpose to me and run its course. I acknowledged what I knew and that was that this feeling was temporary. 

But I also had plans for the night. And all I could think was that I have to cancel because I’m panicking. I can’t go out like this, I’ll be a party kill. I’ll hate it. I’ll be miserable. I’ll wish I was at a home where I could panicking quietly.

And in a moment of stillness, I realized what I was doing. I imagined the end of my life and what people would say. 

She let anxiety get the best of her

Her emotions ruled her life 

She chose comfort over adventure 

Of course, this is not would people would say, but that’s what I felt. In that moment I decided fuck it. 

I decided to be a little selfish and go out even though I wasn’t in a good mood. I decided that just because I wasn’t happy didn’t mean I couldn’t go out and have fun. I decided to fuck the anxiety I was feeling and go have fun with my friends and meet new people. 

I was already miserable at home so what fucking difference would it make if I was miserable outside? I could always just come home if it got to be too much. 

And as I left, I boldly declared to myself that I would have the best night ever. That I would be so relaxed and happy that I would completely forget I was feeling anxious. Then I released my intention to my subconscious mind and the universe and left. 

And so I did. I had a wonderful night full of amazing conversation and laughs. I danced and had fun. I took in the warm air of the night and the beauty of the moon. I enjoyed the fun connection of walking down the street with your friends at 2 am after a night of partying. 

I had a blast and it was only after I came home did I remember I was anxious earlier in the day. 

Working through a limiting belief

Hello Queen,

I don't normally do this but *trigger warning

Today, I just wish to get real with you. One of the most rewarding and difficult parts about the journey to your best life is the work you have to do to understand yourself and release who you were. The biggest factor in that is understanding your emotions, reactions, thought processes and beliefs. Some beliefs release quickly, while others linger. I want to be real about a belief that lingered for me for a very long time.

I believed that showing up in a real, authentic and unapologetic way meant being hated and rejected. AND I didn't know that I believed this until recently. All I knew was that I had a fear of showing up as myself in the online space and I had no idea where that was coming from. I had to dig to the roots of that belief and I have to tell you that what I found there was deeply painful.

At the root of the fear of showing up was the belief that showing up meant making myself vulnerable to having happiness and love taken away from me. And like any other belief, I had to think back to when I first learned this. It hit me with all of the force of a brick to the face.

When I was very young, I was sexually abused for an entire summer. I remember afterwards feeling lost, detached, confused, depressed and angry. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7, but I remember that I was in pain and no one seemed to grasp that. I went from a happy child full of optimism and surrounded by love to a problem child. The misunderstood one. The liar (I learned to lie to protect the secret of my abuse, but of course, no one knew this). Again and again, I made my pain clear to those around me only to be ignored and punished. I was told I was lazy, selfish, irresponsible etc..

While this was a very painful decade in my life, I learned to cope, sought out therapy, learned to love myself and became the person I am today. Every part of me believed I was over this part of my life, but what I failed to recognize was that I had learned something from that time in my life that I had not acknowledged.

I learned that happiness and love could be taken away. In my child's mind it felt like one moment I was a happy and loved child and the next I was misunderstood, always in trouble and always making someone upset. While the people around me still loved me, I felt like they didn't love me anymore. And I felt like it was the abuse I went through (that they were never aware of) that made them not love me.

And so, the root of the belief that I couldn't shake. I learned that love and happiness could be taken away. I learned that being vulnerable only meant being rejected. I learned it was safer to be alone and silent because people could not hear you and would not understand you.

But you know what? I UNLEARNED this. Once I was able to give voice and background to this belief, I was able to disprove it. Adult me knows that only I have the power to rob myself of happiness and even then only on a temporary basis.

Working through this belief and understanding myself on that level was a painful process. No one wants to relive the things that cut them to their soul. But when it comes to growth, I have learned that it is often the things that hurt the most that need healing. You can't just keep putting a bandaid on it, or it's going to sting and demand attention for the rest of your life.

And through this process, I have come to be confident in myself, my desires, where I have been and where I am going. My decision to live my best life and certainty in my ability to create the life I want is unwavering because I am not afraid to go to the places I need to go to get there.

And please remember, only you can know when you are ready to work through something. In the meantime, don't let it stop you from going for it.

6 year old me is proud of the woman I have become

Understanding true happiness

Hello Queen,

Allow me to share a story with you about what I have learned. Perfection is an illusion and we all have things that we struggle with. I dedicate my life to growing, evolving and understanding, and I still have things that I struggle with. 

1. Sometimes sparks of absolute hatred towards parts of my body and shame at how I let it get to that point
2. Resentment and impatience because I don't have what I want right now and belief that I should have it right now or I would never have it leading to anger and frustration
3. Silencing judgmental thoughts towards myself and others
4. Just random burst of sadness for seemingly no reason (we all have days when we're in a funk)
5. Learning to balance my empathic abilities in healthy ways, and not just absorb the feelings of the people around me. 
6. Moments of absolute terror and panic as I learn to navigate anxiety in my life. 

So, yes. There are some of the things that I still struggle with. Moments when I just feel completely unbalanced and out of sorts. 

Earlier this year I decided that I was fucking done with striving towards perfection. I had to accept that my belief that I shouldn't struggle with anything or have problems at all was being caused by a need to be perfect and a belief that true happiness means JUST happiness. That I somehow wasn't allowed to feel heavier emotions or think resentful things if I was truly happy. 

But I decided that happiness is not the absence of sadness. I decided that the old belief was bullshit because I am HAPPY. Even as I am still learning to understand, rework and overcome some of the struggles in my life. And I realized that the struggles were part of the happiness!

Me, blissed out in Tokyo

The struggles are what help you understand yourself, build connections with how you want to be, gain the satisfaction of upleveling and enjoy the very human experience of growth. By coming to accept the struggles of my life and learning that happiness was not the absence of sadness, the game changed. 

I stopped seeing my struggles as blocks in the way of what I wanted. I stopped seeing struggles as the things that were stopping me from living my dream life. 

I learned to stop giving my power away to shoulds and coulds and why don't I's 

I realized that happiness was an emotion I got to decide to feel and there was nothing on this planet with the ability to take it away. 

I was able to create such certainty and passion in my dreams and desires, that there was no other choice but to pursue them. 

I created faith in the universe, and trust in myself and my ability to take the necessary steps to get to where I wanted to be. 

I made decisions and KNEW that they were the right ones, because I finally understood that life was happening for me. 

And now I get the absolute blessing of helping other people create certainty and passion around their dreams and desires by sharing my story and life lessons with you all. 

Happiness is not the absence of sadness. And life is not the absence of struggle. Once you are able to accept this, you can release the need to have your life be perfect and problem free, and empower yourself to pursue the life that feels good to you (whatever that looks like to you). 

Much love, always,

Shar

4 step process for creating affirmations that work

Hello Queen,

I love affirmations. I do. I think they are wonderful. But I also think that affirmations need to be tailored to what you want and are working through. It is wonderful for me to affirm that I am a magnificent being full of light and love, but if I'm working through a fear of money, or self-doubt, or anything else really, it's not as helpful as it could be. I know this, and you know this.

For affirmations to work at their peak power, they need to be tailored to you. I so remember what it was like to not even know how the fuck to write an affirmation. So, I just took the ones that I found that resonated with some part of me. They worked in planting the seeds of a new belief, but I wanted to rip out the weeds of my old thoughts and plant a blossoming flower of beautiful beliefs. I was hungry for change, and I know you are too.

Photo by Brittani Burns on Unsplash

So, I want to share with you my exact four step process for creating affirmations that truly vibrate on the frequency you are trying to get to. And the reason the affirmations you write for yourself will be so effective, is they will vibrate right into the limiting belief that is causing the block in the first place. They are tailored to you, your aspirations and what you are working on overcoming.

1. Decide what you want. No timidness here. I call you to step into your full power as queen and decide what it is that you want. Get clear on what it looks like. Understand how it feels. Tip for doing this: Ask yourself-Why do I want this? What do I think it will bring me?
2. Get clear and understand which version of you has this (hint: it's not the current version of you. If it was, you would already have what you wanted). Who is the version of you that already has this? How does she feel? What does she think? What does this dream you are going for or thing that you want look like to her?
3. Identify her beliefs. What must she believe to be true to be living her dream life? What beliefs did and behaviors did she have to let go of to get where she is now?
4. Affirm it as if it has already happened (this is the fun part). Take the beliefs that version of you who has what you want and affirm them as if they are already yours. For example, if she believes that money is not earned, you might affirm something like I create money with ease. Or money is naturally attracted to my energy. Then repeat the affirmation until you fucking believe it. Remember, in the words of Kathrin Zenkina (Manifestation Babe), beliefs are just thoughts you became obsessed with. Tip: Never write your affirmations in the negative. Your subconscious mind does not understand no or not. So if you say something like I am not afraid of success, your subconscious mind will focus on the fear of success because that is what you are calling attention to. You would want to try something like success comes easily to me, or success is a peaceful, natural part of my life. And remember queen, writing affirmations gets easier and more effective with practice. 

Photo by sean Kong on Unsplash

That's the secret love. The four step process for creating affirmations for you. Let me know what powerful affirmations you come up with! I'd love to hear.

Much love, always,

Shar

What you need to believe to create what you want

Hello My Queen,

I just finished a training and I am fired up! It's time for some real talk (and what better day to talk about this then on the day of love). I want you to change your life in ways that feel right for you. Not only that, I want you to change your life in a way that is aligned with what YOU want. Not what other people have tried to project on to you. But, it can be hard to do that if you don't have certainty about why you are going after the change you are looking for. There are many wonderful reasons to change your life, but there are a few that just are not good reasons. I had to learn this, and it has made all of the difference in how fueled and passionate I am in the pursuit of my self-defined purpose.

1. If you think that changing your life will make other people respect you
2. If you want to get all of the things to prove that you are good enough
3. If you want to get such and such to rub it in so and so's face
4. If you can't wait to live your dream life because it will prove something to yourself

If this sounds like you (trust me, queen, it was me), then you are stuck in magical thinking. Before you go lighting the torches, I need you to know what I mean. 

I fucking love magic. I believe in that shit. Harry Potter, Sabrina, Charmed, Unicorns, Mermaids, Wishes, manifestation. All of that shit is my fucking jam. Like bring on all the magic. Like I want to tattoo a wand on my index finger as a reminder of my ability to create magic. 

Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash

But being stuck in magical thinking does not mean believing in magic, or believing that the things you want are possible. No, being stuck in magical thinking means believing that ANYTHING has the power to "fix" you. The truth is, only you have the power to heal yourself. If you think that living your dream life and getting everything you want is magically going to make you love yourself, and feel worthy, and convince others that they should love and respect you too, you're wrong. Simply because the happiness, and love and validation you so desperately want only exists inside of you. 

I know! I went through this. I felt it. I kept getting the things that I wanted and was like what the fuck? Why don't I feel good? I should feel everything I wanted to feel. So why don't I feel good enough?

This is how I fell into the rabbit hole of things like insecurity, doubt, and comparisonitis and jealousy. I kept looking for the solution, the magic pill and I couldn't find it. Because it doesn’t exist. The solution is within, and it’s not a quick fix. Your worth is not determined and given by external circumstances. You have to decide that you are worthy. You have to give yourself the love and respect you crave. Without this, you will continue to needlessly chase something that is already inside of you. 

Once you work on your belief that you are worthy,  you will find that things flow so much easier to you. There is no resistance and you stop looking for happiness and approval. And with that shit out of your vision, you can see clearly and decide what it is that YOU want. And you will know with certainty that the desire you want is truly your own. It no longer becomes the thing you have to have because it will make you feel good enough. It will be the thing you want because you want it. Because it makes you feel happy, but not because you think it is responsible for your happiness. Once you free yourself from magical thinking, you remove the pressure you put on yourself to make it happen and you get back into the flow where following your dreams just feels good, and exciting. You remove the resistance. 

That is one of the most powerful feelings in the world. So, what I want you to do is remind yourself of all of the reasons you are worthy. What makes you feel like a worthy person? Whomor what have you made responsible for your worth? 

Much love always,

Shar

10 Powerful Journal Prompts For Creating the Life You Crave

Hello, Queen,

I have truly learned that successful people ask better questions. You have heard this before, as I am not the first person to say it, nor am I the only person to say it. But when I heard it, I instantly knew it was true. How? Because I didn't take myself from flat-ass broke and broken by not being curious and asking the right questions of myself.

Full disclaimer, queen. We are all different. These questions were so powerful for me because they came from inside or they resonated with something that I was personally struggling to overcome. I always believe that you know the exact questions you need to ask yourself to get the answer and clarity you are looking for. But, consider these prompts your starting point.

My journey began by answering the questions others posed, and through the answers I provided, I was able to get more questions. I was able to get better questions that cut through the bullshit in my own head and heart and get me to the place I was so desperate to be. These are also the questions that are guiding me through my current up level. That is the beauty of life. We are always growing. Some of these questions are my own, and others are questions that have come about from what I have learned from others.

Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

So, without further ado, here are the 10 best questions I have ever worked through to better understand myself, align with the best version of me, and feel empowered to pursue WHATEVER I wanted.

*I have structured these as prompts with each prompt asking a series of questions around the same issue or concept.

1. Who is the best version of me? How does she live? What does her life look like? 
2. What beliefs and behaviors do I hold now, that I feel are preventing me from being her?
3. What do I believe the accomplishment of these dreams will bring me? Is that true? Is that desirable?
4. If I am truly after the feeling that I believe the dream or thing will bring me, what I can I do to feel that way NOW?
5. What beliefs have I held that have gotten me to this point now? Do they serve the version of me that I want to become?
6. When did I first learn that love was only given to the worthy? What can I do to give myself love and respect now? What can I do to feel worthy now? What is making me feel unworthy?
7. In what ways am I responsible for what my current reality looks like? What can I start doing to change it?
8. Who are examples of people who have the dreams I desire? Do I truly believe that it is also possible for me? If not, what makes them so worthy over me? What do I think makes them worthy of this dream, but not me? Is this true?
9. What are five things I can be grateful for everyday?
10. Who are the people I really admire? Why? How are the people I really dislike? Why? What do my feelings for these people tell me about myself? What is reflecting back at me? (This is great for identifying where you need to work on)

How to Create Certainty in Yourself and Your Dream

Good Morning, Queen,

If there is one thing that absolutely pissed me off during my journey, it was the belief that failure was a real threat to the creation of your dreams. Not just a threat, but a threat so MASSIVE that you might as well not try at all. This was not just a belief that other people had, it is a belief that I held. And I think any of my other queens out there can understand how much more frustrating it is when the belief that is limiting you is actually in your own mind.

Today, I'm going to help you shatter that fear/belief and begin the process of replacing it with something much more empowering. What do you need to do in order to create certainty in your ability to accomplish and create your dreams?

Release the belief that failure is something you can do and have.

There is no such thing as failure. There just isn't. It's not real. It's a collective illusion. And because it is an illusion, you can choose to wake the fuck up. 

Before you go piling on the million of examples of how failure is real (PS queen those examples you hold in your head and heart are what is keeping that belief so strong and literally stifling your intentions), I want to explain what I mean by that.

Failure isn't real. Yes, there are things that you will try that may not work out the way you intended. That is not failure. It is simply you learning the things you need to know to get to where you want to be. You have already decided that you want the life you dream about. And you are in the processing of deciding and affirming that it is already done and on it's way to you now. The only thing you have to do is stop self-sabotaging your dreams and your belief in the possibility of these dreams by believing that failure is a thing you can do.

There is no failure. Only lessons and seasons on the path to YOUR greatness.

So you know this now, but you want to know how you learn to accept and BELIEVE that failure is an illusion. It's really simple.

If you think far back enough, you'll realize that the first time you heard of the concept of failure, you intuitively knew that it was complete bullshit. It was only when you saw, experienced and were conditioned to accept it did you turn the idea of failure into reality. Think about a small child, just playing with their toys. If you told them oh, you could fail at that. They would look at you like what the fuck are you talking about? They know, just as you know, that failure is simply not real. They cannot grasp the concept you are talking about. All they know is that they are having fun. And never forget, Queen. The process of creating your dreams is fun. You have just forgotten that.

Can't finish this post right now? Pin it for later ;)

So, how do you go about relearning and accepting what you have always known on a spiritual level is true? Look for examples of people who are successful (in the ways you want to be) and realized that they did not fail. The more examples and evidence you can gather the stronger your new belief that failure isn't real will be. Eventually it will completely eclipse your old belief and you can move forward with what you really want.

When did you first learn that failure was something that could happen to you?

You CANNOT fail. You can only learn, grow and redirect. If you are certain in your dreams, then your dreams are certain in you.

Much Love, Always,

Shar

How to create space for your new life and reality

Hello my queen,

As I have become crystal clear on what I want out of my life and what I want Quarter-Life Queen to be, I have realized that my life will look nothing like I planned when I was going through college and building my career. That is one of the hardest parts of deciding to revive a lost dream and redesign your life is that transition phase. Especially if your new life looks nothing like your old life.

I strongly believe that you need to create space for your new life once you make the bold decision to pursue and create it. But as I have also taken this journey I have learned something that is so helpful for those of us creating massive change in our lives.

You must grieve your old life in order to create space for your new one. Listen, the life you were creating for yourself when you were pursuing your degree and doing internships and networking and building your career probably wasn't that bad. The reason you pursued it was because at the time you loved it. If you had to follow a certain path (that society conditions us to believe is the only way for the majority), then at least the path you were picking was a semi exciting one that you enjoyed.

Pin this for later :)

For me, this was my career in study abroad. I would get to advocate for underserved students, work with people all over the world, travel and get to talk to students about their plans and their travels. This is so much fun to do and was completely aligned with who I wanted to be THEN. I would get to travel the world and serve in a way that was helpful and fulfilling. And yes, it wasn't the life I imagined for myself when I was younger, but it was realistic and obtainable.

But you know how this goes queen. You get older and you change. You get little whispers and nudges from the universe and for whatever reason, that dream life keeps coming back to you. You just keep feeling calling to you and no matter how much you say, no, my life is fine the way it is, you CAN'T FORGET IT. Eventually you reach the point where your dream is screaming at you. And you start to wonder, well why isn't this dream life possible for me? Then you realize that it is possible for you and the whole game is changed.

Yet, there's this part of you that's thrilled but also kind of sad. You feel like the queen that you are because look at you making the bold decision to pursue your calling. You feel connected with the universe and you are so excited to create this new life. But that other life wasn't sad. You were happy, it just no longer aligns with who you are.

Acknowledging that is a fantastic first step. But I also think that you need to give yourself space to grieve the life you could have had. Why? Because at some point it was something that you wanted and you need to release it to create space for this new life and this new version of you. You put a lot of time, energy, money and heart into what you once wanted. For me, this included:

1. Getting a bachelors degree
2. Getting a masters degree
3. Working every winter and summer to build experience in the field
4. Countless hours of networking
5. Conferences, lectures and training sessions
6. Many hours of building my resume and applying to jobs

And you know what, it was what I wanted at the time, so I just did what I had to do. But looking back at this and realizing that my life no longer aligns with this is painful, so I can only imagine how painful this may be for you, my queen. 

So I invite you to take some time to grieve your old life so you can enter your new life with passion, excitement and no strings attached to your past. By grieving, you give yourself space to move forward. You give yourself space to let go of who you were and become who you want to be. And by all means, queen, if you just hated your old life, feel free to say, BYE to your old life.

And remember, I am always so proud of you for having the courage to acknowledge that the vision and desire no longer serves you. Give yourself space to grow into it.

As always, I hope you enjoyed this post.

How to overcome fear of social media as an aspiring entrepreneur

Hello my queen,

I'm calling this Shar's selfish time only because QLQ is about empowering people to develop the courage to pursue their dreams. Of course, that looks different to everyone, but this post goes to all of my beautiful queens who are also trying to build businesses in the online space.

I don't think you need to force yourself to show up on every social media platform to start to build up your business.

I shared with your previously some of the fears that I had (and am still working through) about showing up on certain social media platforms (I'm looking at you Instagram😐). And while I completely believe in working through your limiting beliefs, I also know how frustrating it is to be in this space of fear and feel like it is something that is holding you and your business back. In fact, I posted this very real and vulnerable story in one of the business Facebook groups I am a part of (and got much lovely support and advice).

Photo by Emma Matthews on unsplash

________________________________________________________________________
Hi everyone,

I just want to take a moment to be really vulnerable

Social media terrifies me.

While a lot of this fear is made up of internal problems I am working through, I’ve decided that it doesn’t mean that I can’t ask for help.

I am absolutely scared shitless of making myself and my brand visible on social media.
Yes, I know that this a limiting belief. Caring what other people think, attaching my sense of worth as a business woman to the opinion of the few, focusing on what could go wrong and not what could go right, etc, etc. I know this, but the issue I’m having is that the fear isn’t imaginary. And that makes it so much harder to shake.

There are people who will say nasty things, who will judge, who will want to see you fail. And while there will be so many more people who love you and support you and are inspired by you and want to see you flourish, I am still terrified of the potential hate. And that fear is stopping me from showing up on social media platforms like twitter, Instagram and Facebook as a business and reaching the wonderful people I am trying to reach. And I want to release it.
_________________________________________________________________________________

You can hear what I am working through. This is very real me at my most insecure. But I'm here to tell you that working through a limiting belief is a process. You can know the limiting belief backwards and forwards, but you have to be ready to confront and replace it  I am sick and tired of feeling like I'm a bad business woman for not being on Instagram and Facebook. And I'm TIRED of the pressure that this is placing on my fellow entrepreneurial babes who don't feel ready to show up in all of these places. And I KNOW that I am not the only one who feels this way.

Don't have time to finish this post right now? Pin it for later :)

I want you to know that you are not shooting yourself in the business foot by deciding to not show up in these space yet. And I want you to know that because that is what I need to know, but what no one told me. You can do business in the online space your way, and trust me, my love. You will get to the place where you are comfortable with showing up in more places.

So, I'm not just going to leave you with a reminder that it's okay to be human and need time to work through thing. No, you are here reading this post because you feel like you're not doing all you can do to promote your business in the online space by not showing up on social media.

I'm not going to tell you to get over it and show up anyway, because that's not helpful. But I am going to tell that it is completely okay for you to show up in the spaces that you feel most safe and comfortable while you work on building the courage and skin to show up in other places. I have two platforms that I feel most comfortable showing up in.

1. This blog (yes, my darling, your blog is a platform)
2. Pinterest

And you know what, queen. That is ENOUGH! You show up in those spaces as your most vibrant beautiful, confident self because that is how you feel in those spaces. This will attract the people you are looking for and help you reframe your idea about what showing up on social media looks like.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

And this works, love. As you supply your mind with evidence that diminishes or disproves the fear, the limiting belief will shrink. While I'm still not ready to conquer Instagram, I feel a lot more comfortable adding twitter to my rotation of social media platforms, and I know that Facebook is something I will also add because I feel it get less scary every day.

So, take a look around and ask yourself, where do I feel most comfortable and safe showing up. Then just put your all into it and know that it is enough for now, because that is where you are now.

As always, I hope you enjoyed this blog. If you did, please do leave me a comment as I would love to connect with my fellow queens.

Much love always,

Shar