How to build faith in the universe and manifestation when you feel hopeless

Hello Queen,

Having faith when it feels like you are not being supported is not easy.

When I was unemployed and couldn't afford my rent, I felt like the universe was punishing me. I couldn't afford to eat, I couldn't find a job--despite having a master's degree-- and I was locked into a lease for an apartment that I could no longer afford. I had dreams of abundance and alignment. I so desperately wanted to feel that love from the universe and live my best life, but how could I?

4 ways you build faith in yourself and the universe

I was living in my apartment in fear that one day someone would knock on my door and evict me because I couldn't afford rent. I barely food and all of my bills were so overdue that I was constantly living in fear of the threat of my accounts being put into collections. I was lost, I was confused, and I was hurt. I felt like the universe had abandoned me when I needed it the most.

I was new to manifesting, but I understood that if I wanted to be abundant and realize my dreams of being my own boss, I had to feel abundant. My reality at that point was a far cry from abundant. It was an absolute fucking train wreck.

All of my insecurities and fears around worth came true. I was truly at one of my lowest points, but I decided that I was tired of being a victim. My circumstances sucked, but I was ready to create a different reality. A reality where I was thriving.

So, how do you connect with faith and positive emotions when it feels like all is lost and the universe has abandoned you? I'll tell you what I did to pull myself from that space of scarcity into a space of abundance. 

1. I took responsibility for what happened in my life. Yes, being broke and unemployed absolutely sucked. Yes, ego wanted to look at all of the ways I had tried my best to avoid this reality and therefore was not at fault. But I looked around my life and got really clear on how I manifested this absolutely shitty reality. I worked to understand what beliefs I held and what actions I took that got me to this point. This hurt, but it was crucial in my growth. 

2. I shifted my perspective. Yes, I was in pain. But I had to release the idea that this pain was the result of divine punishment. Instead of seeing how everything sucked, I saw how everything sucked, and looked for the lesson. Everyday I would ask myself what is the universe trying to teach me? What am I learning and how can I use this information to better my future? One of the fundamental beliefs I had to adopt was the belief that the universe is always supporting me. Even the experiences that hurt are teaching me something that will bring me closer to my hearts desire. As I did this, I also relinquished control to the universe. I accepted that there were currently things that I could do nothing about and there were things I could do something about. I focused on the things I could change with the main things being my perspective and my feelings. 

3. I dug deeper. Once I understood what some of my limiting beliefs were, I had to dismantle them. Again, one of my core limiting beliefs was that the universe liked to punish and was punishing me. I had to really get to the root of why I believed the universe was punishing me AND why I thought I was a person worthy of punishment.

4. I connected with gratitude. This final step is by far the most important. Even though I felt like I had nothing to be grateful for, I challenged myself to be grateful for a few things every single day. And sometimes the only thing I was grateful for was that sky is blue and blue is my favorite color; or that I could breath through my nose, or that I got to eat that day. Gradually I started to feel better, and as I felt better, my reality got better. Don't force yourself to feel gratitude for things you aren't grateful for in that moment. You must feel that gratitude and if all that you have gratitude for is the ability to breath, then feel gratitude for that.

4 steps to start manifesting abundance when you feel anything but abundant

I found a job that I adored that gave me the opportunity to travel the world all expenses paid. I moved to my dream location in Philadelphia. I started QLQ and scaled it to a level that I am proud of. And most importantly, I learned to love and have faith in myself always.

I became a mindset and life coach because I remember how painful it was to feel like I could do absolutely nothing to help myself. I remember what it was like to have my current reality be so far from where I wanted to be. I just knew that there was a ton of information out there about how to create your dream life, but not a lot of places where I could learn where to start and feel understood . Now it is my absolute honor to help women become empowered, conscious creators of their reality.

Queen, even when it feels like all is lost, remember the universe is always supporting you. Start by being a better friend to yourself.

Much Love, Always,

Shar

“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.”- Rumi

How Do You Act Like Your Best Self When You Don't Have The Same Income As She Does?

Hello Queen!

I am actually writing to you in real time and on one hell of a caffeine high. 

Let’s talk about your dream life. More importantly, let’s talk about glamorizing your dream life.

When I was first starting my journey and I was flat ass broke, in debt, and miserable, it made sense that I wanted to connect to the version of my dream life that felt a lot better than my current reality. I was new to manifesting. I really wanted to connect to the feeling of having what I wanted, so to do that, I connected with the experiences that felt the best in my future reality.

Working from anywhere in the world, being debt free, taking my friends and family on luxury vacations, having an amazing personal trainer, having my own house cleaner. These were the experiences I could ground into the most because they fucking felt amazing. They were concrete experiences I knew would make me look around in absolute awe of the beauty that is my life.

Slowly but surely I have been able to take the steps to get closer to that. I no longer view that version of reality as playing pretend. Instead, I am certain that this is what my future looks like. And in creating that certainty, I also knew that it was time to move to understanding what how the version of me who exists in that reality really lives her life.

It was great that I knew what her highlight reels were. It was amazing that I knew she traveled the world, worked from wherever and lived her best life. But I also knew that she wasn’t going out to parties and traveling every second of every day. And I was able to reach a state where I could accept that. I reached the point where I could understand and embrace that the next version of me is able to call in a lot of beautiful experiences, but her entire life isn’t comprised of fun times all day every day. The next version of me is not Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City. The next version of me does not live in a movie. Her life is absolutely amazing, but it’s not amazing all day, every day. I intuitively knew that if I wanted to get closer to her, I had to shatter the illusion that her reality was always perfect.

And you know what? That’s more than okay. It’s empowering. The reason being that by understanding that there are days when the next version of myself is bored or isn’t doing much of anything makes her more relatable to the current version of me. I am better able to conceptualize what that life looks like and close the distance a bit. I am better able to visualize how this version of me gets to be the next version of me.

Even better, because I know what the ins and outs of her average day, I can start to embody that now! And there are no restrictions here. Yes, the next version of me does pay her family’s bills and goes on extravagant vacations, but she also works out, goes for walks and enjoys a peaceful nighttime routine. The current version of me is more than capable of going on walks, establishing a night routine and going to the gym, so I can start taking action now to embody that next version of myself. And thus I am able to manifest her reality because she is who I am being.

Dream big, Queen. Don’t be afraid to visualize your future highlight reels and connect to everything that makes that reality amazing. But also don’t forget to humanize that next version of herself. Lean into those moments when that next version of herself is just going about her life. This will make it so much easier to start stepping into her now.

What are the little things your best self does that you can start doing now?

For the queen who isn't sure who that next version of herself is, I highly encourage you to sign up to receive your free copy of the align with your best self workbook.

For the queen who is ready to map out her next steps, don't forget to grab your  free copy of the aligned goal setting workbook. 

Much Love, Always,

Shar

People Pleasing and Self-Worth

Hello Queen, 

Everyone will have an opinion of you and not everyone’s opinions matter. I am a big believer that I can always be a better version of myself. A lot of the joy in personal growth is not only learning about myself as I am, but learning about myself as I can be. In my day to day life, I strive to both honor and embrace who I am in this moment, but also work towards who I would like to be at the next level. This means that I look inward pretty frequently, like to understand where I have done well and where I could improve and am always open to growth.

But I will admit that the small child within me also desperately wanted approval. The little girl who felt rejected by everyone she loved wanted to be loved and she learned that the way to do that was to people please. To erase who she was so she could be likeable. But this wasn’t in congruence with the beliefs I held in my young adult life. The ones that said it wasn’t my job to make anyone like me. And because it wasn’t in congruence, I didn’t see what I was really doing when I accepted everyone “constructive criticism” of me.

Like many people, I was taught that the ability to take constructive criticism was a good thing. But I didn’t learn that I wasn’t a fucking piece of art or writing to critique. I didn’t learn that not everyone’s opinion of me matters and that only I could decide if I wanted to change or not. So I took everyone’s criticism of me to heart. I analyzed, I accepted and I changed. Molded myself to be the ideal person in everyone’s eyes and blinded myself to who I wanted to be.

That little girl who wanted approval and thought people pleasing was the way to do it was buried so deep that I didn’t even realize that by accepting everyone’s critique of me, I was people pleasing and erasing who I was and unlearning who I wanted to be. I genuinely believed in my heart that I just wanted to be a better person and that’s where the self-deception comes in. I deceived myself by hiding what I did not want to see. That I was a people pleaser. I lost myself in my “growth.” I became combinations of everyone else and completely forgot who I was.

And you know what? I grew up and I learned that everyone will have an opinion of you and not everyone’s opinion matters. I learned that people will always see you through the lens of themselves. I asked myself better questions like what gave anyone the right to provide “constructive criticism” about who someone is? Who decided that someone’s opinion of you is right? I know, I know. Shouldn’t you be humble? What if someone else really can see what you can’t? Yeah, but remember that someone else is ALWAYS seeing you through the lens of their own experience. And their experience is not your experience. Their experience of you is just their reality. It is not a universal reality and therefore it is not universal truth.

And to the girl who craves approval and acceptance, I want to say to you what I wish I had said to myself. The only opinion of you that matters is your own. You do NOT need to tailor your identity to please everyone else and you will find the approval and acceptance you are craving within yourself. You have always been enough exactly as you are. And if someone is telling you that you are not good enough as you are and you need to change, walk away, babe because this person is not in alignment with you.

Taking the 30 Days of Vulnerability Challenge

Hello Queen,

One of the greatest gifts I have given myself is permission to be weird. Permission to be awkward, to love fully, to be open and honest always and to be myself in every setting. I remember always feeling the pressure to adjust my behaviors, to choose my words carefully and to behave in ways that I thought was normal. In general, just to behave in ways that wasn't me because I didn't want to be weird or push people away.

And in this journey I have been on for the past two years, I have learned that normal does not exist. It is a huge disservice to myself to modify my behaviors and my identity for the comfort of others. Which isn't to say that I go out of my way to make people uncomfortable, or that I disregard when someone is uncomfortable (because that's not who I am), but it is to say that I have decided that if who I am makes someone uncomfortable, then that person is not meant to be in my life. So I gave myself permission to be weird, to be honest and to say what was on my mind when it was on my mind. I gave myself permission to have any conversation that I wanted no matter how deep that conversation was. I gave myself permission to like fanfiction, to admit that my favorite thing to do is to play and watch the sims, to laugh out loud at memories that give me pleasure, to skip when I feel like skipping and to make all of the weird noises and faces that I want to make.

I decided that the greatest gift I could give myself is the gift of allowing myself to exist as I am. To trust that the right people would be drawn to my natural energy as it was. Unedited, unfiltered and 100 percent me.

But an area I struggle with doing this is in the online space. I worry about internet trolls and it makes me sad to see how quick people can be to tear someone apart. To turn their backs on people they claimed to love. And of course, this is all perception (as is everything). I subconsciously hold the belief that people can't be trusted and are usually out for their own interests (I continue to work through this as this is belief I refuse to hold space for). And because this belief exists in that subconscious space, my brain looks for evidence that it is true, finds it in the online space and raises my guard.

Like any human being I crave love and connection on a deep level. I want to feel like I am part of the world and there are people I love with all of my heart. So, when I was reading the Badass Business Babe blog a few days ago and came across a 30 days of vulnerability challenge, I felt called to it. In the post, Lauren (or maybe Cora Lynn) speaks about vulnerability as a muscle. In order to get better at it and feel comfortable being your authentic self in the online space, you must practice. Hence, the 30 days of vulnerability challenge.

The point of the challenge as I interpreted it is that you share the parts of yourself that you are afraid to share. The parts that you secretly hold judgement towards and are afraid of other people seeing. My intention with the challenge is to both connect with others on a human level and to release the judgement I have towards certain aspects of my past and/or my identity so I can truly love myself on that full, deep level that I am craving. Now, I won't be doing the challenge in the sense of me posting every day for thirty days because I can admit that's an unrealistic expectation to set for myself. But my posts for the next 30 days will be more frequent and will be me sharing vulnerably.

And for the most part, this challenge will be taking place on my social media accounts. Day 1 is already up on both the QLQ Instagram and Facebook accounts. My history with depression and emotions.

Thank you for your love and support.

Much Love, Always,

Shar

Networking for the Girl Who Craves connection but doesn't believe she can have it

Hello Queen!

I remember being in college and hearing networking described to me. And all I could think was that's so fake (NYC Kid). Why would I want to connect with someone only for what they could do for me? That's such a shitty thing to do to someone and I'm not going to do that. If I'm connecting with you it's because I genuinely like you, not because I think you can do something for me.

I stick to this rule now, but I still network. And the thing is, a younger version of me had her heart in the right place, but she hadn't looked deep enough. She craved genuine connection with people who inspired her, but never made any effort to connect because deep down she believed that she wasn't good enough. She believed that the people who inspired her were better than her and therefore had no interest in speaking to her. After-all, what would they have to gain from a relationship with her when she could offer nothing but her love and friendship?

Thankfully, adult me has learned how to look within herself and see past her own barricades. Adult me has learned that she craves love and friendship with the people who make her want to be and do better. And if she craves that, then so do other people. Adult me has made one of her pillar beliefs that the more authentic and true to herself she is, the more people will be drawn to that and the more beautiful connections she can form.

But I am a human being and I do remember what that crippling anxiety and insecurity felt like. I remember what it was like to want that connection and be too afraid to go for it. I remember what it was life to crave that rich network, but feel like I couldn't have it.

I remember being in college and not even being able to talk to my classmates because all I could hear in my head is that this person is better than you, and they can see right through you. Don't talk to them because they're not going to like you. So I stuck to the 2 or 3 people that I knew that were familiar to me.

I remember when I got into fitness and I really wanted to go to fitness classes. Yoga, pilates, spin, barre all sounded like fun things I would enjoy, but I could never make myself go because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up with the people in the class and they would judge me. They would voice what I was thinking and roll their eyes at me or tell me i'm breathing too loud (the fear was real, the rationality was not really there).

Even still, I remember going to my first work conference and meeting all of these amazing people in very high positions. I was a more confident version of myself, but I still felt on edge. I felt like I would say the wrong thing or make myself look bad or expose myself as someone new in the field and look incompetent and retreated by only talking to the people who spoke to me.

And all the while, I was lonely and frustrated. I had met so many amazing people in my life and I pushed almost all of them away by pretending that I just didn't want to connect with them or that connection just wasn't there. I let my limiting beliefs take the drivers seat and in doing so, cut myself off from the love and connection I was craving because subconsciously I did not feel safe being myself in relationships. Subconsciously I believed vulnerability meant being vulnerable to attack, not open to love.

But I learned and I grew and I listened to myself. All of myself. I heard the voice that said oh, I don't want to be friends with this person or I am fine being myself, or I'm just focusing on me. But I also listened deeper and heard the voice that said other people are better than me, I'm not good enough, other people will just hurt you, the more friends you have the less time you have for yourself. If you open yourself up to love and connection you'll lose yourself. Other people don't like you.

By listening to both voices and truly working to understand myself as I was and as I am now, I was able to find approval within myself. I was able to create the unwavering belief that no one was better than me and I was better than no one. I was able to find that peace and assurance in myself and finally feel safe in creating new friendships. And I really noticed this gain at my last work conference where I spoke to dozens and dozens of people as the true version of myself. I saw this when I attended a plenary session with the former US secretaries of state and knew that I felt comfortable enough to go up and ask them questions and speak to them (LOL we were not allowed to do that, but I definitely felt comfortable enough to do it). And not once did that voice come up that said you are not good enough and you have nothing to offer these people.

I can mark that as one of my proudest moments because to me that what I was doing in my personal development and growth was working. I was happier and more confident and I am so proud of myself for that.

But I also want to share with you how I did it. How I went from being terrified to talk to anyone to being able to form those authentic connections and relationships with people who inspired me (I prefer this definition of networking btw).

1. I identified what I believed was at stake when I connected with people? In other words, I got clear on what I was afraid of. I got clear on who I thought I needed to be and why I believed being myself was not good enough? What exactly was it that I thought others would see and why did I think them seeing that was a bad thing? I took a stand and refused to let those voices go unchecked. I listened more intently.

2. I worked to understand the origin stories of these beliefs. When did I first begin to think that it wasn't safe to be seen and it wasn't safe to connect with others? At which moment in my life did I learn this and what events throughout my life reinforced this thought and memory and turned it into a belief? (PS the summer issue of the QlQ magazine is all about the subconscious mind and the formation of limiting beliefs. You can sign up to receive your copy when it is released here).

3. Reframe. I reviewed these memories with adult eyes and gave myself permission to see now what I could not see then. The version of myself then saw these events and formed the belief that not only was it not safe to connect, but she was not capable of forming those connections. So I challenged adult me to travel to those memories and see evidence of connection, love and human empathy. I challenged myself to view these memories through a new lens. Make sure you stay tuned, queen because I learned this from a guided meditation as part of a class I am talking and I want to talk to you all about your magical time traveling abilities.

4. Remember in my what most people miss when working through limiting beliefs post I spoke about that last step. Deciding that you are ready to let this go. Well, that's what I did. I decided that the old belief that did not serve me and created a new belief in it's place. That belief is that I am worthy of love and connection and all of my perceived character flaws just make me more human.

I'm going to leave you with this final tip. I also use affirmations on a daily basis. I was listening to Beyonce and Jay-Z's album and saw that a caption of it is Everything is Love. I loved that so much that I now repeat it to myself whenever I feel like I am putting my guard up. 😂 You really can find inspiration everywhere.

The Next Version of You

Hello Queen,

Happy Tuesday! I have been a little quiet on here as I reflect on what my next steps are and who the version of me that I want to be is. And today, I want to talk to you about inspirational people/the sources of inspiration you look to when you are growing into your next level.

When I was first starting my journey and I wanted to grow into the spiritual version of myself who was connected to others and brave in the pursuit of her dreams, I had to look to other people as models for myself. I looked for other people for the evidence that life could really look that way and there were steps I could take to get there. One of the very first beliefs I adopted was that if it was possible for someone else, it was also possible for me. I chose to believe that if the universe planted desires in my heart and then showed me other people who had it, then it was proof that I could also create that reality for myself.

But one of the biggest mistakes I made was only looking at people who were exactly where I wanted to be. I looked at the people who were already living my dream life. The reason this was a mistake was because I was looking very far ahead. I wanted to mansion, the thriving business, the vacation properties, the money and the freedom to set my own schedule. So I looked at people who had all that.

Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

Don't get me wrong. It was inspiring. But it was inspiring in an unrealistic way. For the simple reason that the version of me that I was then--the one that was afraid to claim the desire to own a business, the one who was afraid that people didn't like her; the one who believed that the only way to make money was through a job did not believe that all of that was possible for her.

It was too far into the distance. There was too much of a gap between current reality and that reality for me to find the kind of inspiration I was looking for. The kind of inspiration that moves you to take action and fires you up. Instead it felt like I was allowing myself to indulge in a fantasy, not peeking into my future.

Thankfully, I learned from my mistakes. I didn't stop looking to these people as my inspiration because I genuinely got pleasure from seeing that kind of life style. But I did start looking at people who were a little closer to where I was now, but still a couple of steps ahead of me.

When I started doing this, I was able to see myself reflected in these people. They could voice the very same things I was worried about. At times it felt like they were reading my mind. And because that connected was so close to me, I was able to take in the information. The kind of lives they were living and the beliefs they had felt attainable to me. I'll tell you that the biggest breakthroughs I have had came from the incredible women who held the qualities of the version of me that I wanted to be next! It came from the women who I felt connected to and who I felt were not a million steps away from where I was now.

You will hear people say don't take advice from people who aren't where you want to be. I'm going to take that one step further and say that the path to the version of yourself who you ultimately want to be is made up of several different versions of yourself. Don't be afraid to take advice from the person who is just slightly ahead of you.

And I'm going to leave you with this question. Who is the next version of yourself?

Much Love, Always,

Shar