Playing Small: Unexpected ways this has manifested in my life

Hello Queen,

I am trying to up-level my life right now and break through all of the bullshit that is holding me back. I have been doing really well, but by now you know this is easier said than done. Some of those limiting beliefs and stories go deep, so they leave me terrified to up-level and I resist both consciously and subconsciously. Quarter-Life Queen is really taking off and part of me is absolutely terrified because I know what this has the potential to be. Today I want to talk to you about all of the unexpected ways playing small has manifested in my life. It is my hope that by reading this, perhaps you can gain some clarity about why you are resisting, even though you really want to go for it.

1. Low emotions: I expected playing small to manifest as fear of the unknown. Instead, one of the main ways playing small manifested in my life is sadness and loss of inspiration. I just didn't have the energy or desire to do anything. I got home, laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. As you know this is only so much more annoying when you don't know why you feel this way. Girl, let me tell you I realized these emotions were popping up because I was afraid of really going for it.
2. Anger: I was short tempered. There is no other way to say that. I thought everyone was stupid and I dared whoever was next to me to even breath. And anger is a very difficult emotion because it actually hurts. The thing about anger is that I could use it to justify inaction. I wouldn't have to do anything because I was pissed off. I was so pissed I would even snap at the parts of me that insisted that I do more. Plus I don't believe in entering my business spaces with heavy emotions because like everything they have energy and that's not the energy I want my business to have. 
3. Lack of inspiration: I am usually so inspired and that is because I have a very vivid imagination. Plus I decided that I would follow the ideas that I had just to see where they would take me. But I didn't have anything to write about, no projects that I felt called to work on. No desire to even move. If I didn't have anything to push me and my business forward, then I could stay exactly where I was which while mediocre was familiar and comfortable. 
4. Refusal to do things I know will help: By now you know that I have a few different techniques to break out of a funk. I like to think that I know myself pretty well, so I know when it's time to deliver a swift kick to the behind. However, as I got closer and closer to the success I was seeking out, I refused to do any of the things that I knew would make me feel better. No crystals, no workouts, no journaling, no podcasts or PD books. I was just lost in the fog of my own misery but I was refusing to let myself out. 
5. Withdrawing from others: It's no secret that you can draw energy and inspiration from others. If ever I am feeling down, hanging out with someone who inspires me is a great way to perk up. But, I didn't want to hangout with anyone. There is nothing wrong with alone time, but I was definitely isolating myself. I was uninspired and sad, so I stuck to myself and stayed locked away with my own thoughts.
6. Panic Attacks: Girl, even though I a lot of amazing things were happening and working out, I was still stressing out. It's like one thing would get fixed and my mind would immediately try to find the next thing to worry about. Then it would grow, and I would panic. I struggled to breath, I thought I would die, the room would spin. Let me tell you as someone who has had a couple anxiety disorders, I had more panic attacks in this period of my life than any other. I'm talking like multiple times a day shit. This was emotionally and spiritually exhausting, but I couldn't stop. Since I was spinning in circles, I didn't have to move forward. 
7. Refusing to own up to my problems: Our problems are fucking scary. Maybe not in comparison to a lot of other people's problems, but in our own minds. I can say that the things that I worried about were honestly terrifying. Like a monster in a closet that you know is about to rip your head off. I constantly felt like I was preparing for battle, so I did what most people do, and that's refuse to think about it. I ignored a lot of my problems and hoped that they would just go away. But by doing that I stripped myself of my own power. By refusing to acknowledge how I was at fault for the issues in my life, I was not allowing myself to grow and learn from them. Instead, I could blame outside circumstances, divine punishment or just bad luck for where my life was at that moment. By doing that I put myself back in victim mode and allowed myself to become an unlucky person. 

I hope you enjoyed this post. LOL it actually took me days to write. 

Until next time, Queen!

Value Driven Business? The Value in Your Story

Hello Queens!

In typical me fashion, I am working on the release of some things that I am very excited about. I am excited about it not only because I love them, but also because I genuinely think it will help you all! They are resources and tools for all of you who are ready to get comfortable on your throne. But for today, I want to talk to all of my entrepreneurial queens. I want to talk to those of you who are interested in building your empire now, but for whatever reason are holding yourself back.

I am a part of a few different masterminds and business groups. I have a lot of people that I look up to in the business world. I make it a point to read at least one personal development book a month. There are two things that come up repeatedly. One is the coaches and business professionals saying again and again that you need to add value to your client or customers lives (no one really defines what value means, and I'm assuming that's because you need to define what value is). On the other side are the people who are like I don't know what value I'm adding; I'm not the expert; so and so knows so much more than me; why do people care about what I have to say?

Honestly, that just breaks my heart because I remember feeling like that. I remember feeling like I didn't have value to bring to the world, or at least not the kind that people should care about or pay money for. As far as solving a problem, girl I don't know what problems people are having and I didn't start this in the hopes of solving people's problems. I started Quarter-Life Queen in hopes of connecting with other and inspiring women to live life on their own terms.

Which brings us to the point of this blog post. For those of you hesitating in starting what you want because you're not ready or you feel like you don't have value to add, I want to ask you a question. Why is your story not valuable? If you're anything like me, your ego might have just responded because it's boring, or because it doesn't help anyone.

Let me tell you, that connection is something that all human beings crave. It just gets harder to connect with people as we all become more isolated from each other.

So if you're struggling with starting something because you don't know your value, just start with your story because that always has value. Don't underestimate the power of simply sharing your story as it is and its ability to bring someone comfort, reassurance, entertainment or connection. Start from your story and eventually the value you want to bring through your business will come to you. Hope you find this helpful!

Until next time

Sad and Uninspired: The Road to Entrepreneurship

Hello Queen!

Wow, it has been a hot minute since we've last spoken. I am so lucky to say that I had the worst sickness that I have ever had in my entire life for a over a week, then I had to move apartments and failed to recognize that no wifi in the new place means no blog posts. Smh. Thankfully, I have wifi at work and can post on my lunch breaks. But enough about that.

I want to talk to you about feeling low. Listen sis, we all have times when we feel low or we feel like absolute trash. I even have times when I don't feel anything at all or I just feel sad. In the spirit of true honesty, I want to give you a story time and I'm going to warn you that it's a bit dark and possibly triggering.

So, regardless of how long I have lived alone for, I still find the process of settling into a new apartment to be rather lonely. I can feel isolated and sad. This wasn't helped by the fact that I had just spent a week isolated in my old apartment because I was highly contagious. It also wasn't helped by the fact that I was on six different medications--which brought my period back--and the fact that I didn't have wifi (which means minimal distractions). Read more about breaking through the PMS funk here

I was laying in bed, just staring at the view, and I was sad AF. I didn't have an interest in anything for days and I just wanted to eat and sleep. I couldn't even figure out why I felt this way, I just did. I love my job and I love my empire, but I just wasn't feeling any of it. I didn't want to work on my projects, I didn't want to write, I didn't want to be on instagram, I didn't want journal or do gratitude practices or speak to anyone. I felt like I was locked in a chamber, and I had the key but I was refusing to use it, but I didn't know why!

Honestly what it felt like. Also how many of you know this show?! Let me know in the comments

But, queen, let me tell you, 10 years of major depression taught me a lot. Number one being that trying to control your emotions or place any kind of judgement on them does not help! You know one of the things we stand for on here is feeling your emotions as they are and letting them move through you without letting them stop you. So, rather than say, "Oh, I'm sad. That's bad or that really sucks, let me be happy," I said "Oh, I'm sad and it doesn't feel great, but that's okay. I'm a human, and I am allowed to feel sad."

But, I digress. Sometimes we feel the saddest and the emptiest when we are about to hit a major breakthrough. Sometimes we feel like giving up the most when we are about to hit the jackpot. I can't say for sure that these feelings are being caused by your ego (a desire to protect you from the unknown by making you not want it anymore), but I can say that every successful person has felt this way before. How do I know this? Because I have been deep diving into the personal development world for the past 6 years and this has come up every time. Feeling sad, disinterested or uninspired doesn't say anything about you or your ability to run a business. All it says is that you're a human being.

So, Queen. Take assurance in the fact that feeling low might just mean that you are about to hit a major success in your life and that feeling low is totally normal and okay!

Until next time loves!

You Can Love Luxury and Be Charitable: Repairing Your Relationship With Money Part 2

Hello Queen,

Welcome to part 2 of repairing relationships with your money series. It's no secret that I have a taste for luxury. I want the multiple houses, the big boat, the first class trips, the designer wardrobes, the nice jewelry, the Michelin star restaurants. There is no shame in my game. I love having and doing nice things. This isn't a new desire. Even as a kid my favorite movie was Clueless cause I was like "yes, queen live that bad and boujee life."

Here's the thing though. We all know that society has taught us (or at least some of us) that wanting things in excess is wasteful and greedy. Just look at the number of times people say well so and so just bought their eighth house and meanwhile people are dying in the world. I'm not going to lie to you (because I never have), I would be like yeah, true so and so is such an unaware person. I would judge them, meanwhile I would have loved to have my eighth house ( want a real estate empire).

I'm being very open and honest with you all here. I acknowledge that there are some of you lovely queens who have zero desire for excess, but I am writing this post for those who feel guilty for wanting more. As you know, I have been deeply analyzing my patterns of thought and behavior. Why do I do what I do and what do I really mean when I say? So, I'm going to walk you through how I stopped seeing the world as you can either have luxury or you can be charitable.

1. I analyzed the story of how money and luxury can't coexist. So, the message goes such and such has so and so when there are so many people are suffering. Therefore, such and such is unaware. Not only are they unaware, they are unaware and greedy and selfish because they are not dedicating their time and money to helping other people (meanwhile you have no idea what they do with all their money). Such and such is greedy and selfish, such and such has money and therefore having money is greedy and selfish. 
2. I got the root of what this story was really saying and how it was manifesting as a limiting belief. Not only is having money greedy and selfish, wanting nice things things is greedy and selfish because the money could have been better spent elsewhere. Why buy a six million dollar mansion, when you could have used that same money to build a school or help the homeless? Root: Money is a limited resource and there is only so much to spend. I should only spend money on other people and never on myself. 
3. I recognized how this belief was false: Money is not a limited resource. If it was, how could Apple have a trillion dollars? How could there be multiple millionaires or even billionaires? having money also doesn't make you greedy, because if it did, there would be no rich person ever that used money to help people. Spending money on luxurious things does not mean that I couldn't also give tons of money to charities. Buying a mansion doesn't mean that I couldn't also build homeless shelters, or donate to cancer research or found a charitable organization because money is not a limited resource. Giving to Prada doesn't mean that I also can't give to St. Jude or the International rescue committee.
4. I acknowledged that separating luxury and charity as opposing forces came from a mindset of scarcity. I thought (because I had been told through a variety of means) that you couldn't be a good person with nice things because if you were a good person, you would live humbly so you could help the world. I had to recognize that that mindset was keeping me broke because it came from the belief that there is only so much money in the world and that the more you spend, the less there is. Queen, I want to reassure you that you don't have to live like you're broke to be a good and charitable person. If you are a good charitable person, you will continue to be a good and charitable person even as you embrace your desire for luxury. Here's a quote that really cemented it all for me. 

"Many people have sacrificed themselves for others, thinking when they sacrifice themselves they are being a good person. Wrong! To sacrifice yourself can only come from thought of absolute lack, because it is saying, 'There is not enough for everyone, so I will go without.' Those feelings do not feel good and will eventually lead to resentment."- Rhonda Bryne; The Secret

Queen, give from love, not resentment. Give to yourself and the world because you know there is more than enough and there will always be more than enough. 

You can be bad and boujee and loving and charitable. Please stop creating this false dichotomy in your mind. It helps no one 

Morals and Money are Not in Conflict: On Repairing Your Relationship With Your Finances

Hello Queens,

I have been digging deep in repairing my relationship with money. I've been changing my language, adjusting my perspective and identifying the stories I had around money. I grew up poor, so there was definitely some shit in the works that was holding me back. Do any of these sound familiar?

1. Rich people are greedy
2. Money makes you selfish
3. You can only be rich if you are born rich
4. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer
5. Money is the root of all evil
6. Money is hard to hold on to
7. There is never enough money
8. Money can't buy you happiness

When you think about it, we have been told and told ourselves that these are facts. So when we can't afford shit or barely have enough to get by, we can go back to these beliefs and reinforce them with our experiences. Here's the thing that I have learned and continue to learn, our experiences don't make our beliefs true, our beliefs make our experiences true. We are humans and we really like to prove ourselves right. But girl, I know we all would like more money (or at least most of us would). More money to give to charity, more money to give to our families, more money to pay bills, to invest in ourselves, to have fun, to go out. So, why do we continue to associate so much guilt and even anger with money? 

If rich people are greedy, and money makes you selfish then having money must make you a bad person. Money must have the ability to corrupt you absolutely, so I shouldn't have money. In my conscious mind I'm screaming that I want more money, but in my subconscious mind, that shitty story was playing in my mind. So, you can easily see how I was contradicting myself and sending mixed messages to the universe. 

But, I also want to give you an example of how I worked through this. I know that I'm a good person. Even as a very small child I would cry when I saw anyone else suffering and when the commercials came on for charities, I would cry some more and wish that I had the money to donate to them. I dedicated my entire education to studying social injustice and mental health because I so desperately wanted to help people be happy and safe. As I got older, I realized I couldn't be in the field doing the work directly because I feel others emotions. In the kindest way possible, working directly in the field would have absolutely destroyed me. It is okay for me to acknowledge this. Working in the field is not my calling, but there are other people who are called to do it. I can help them by giving them money to expand their resources, hire more people, raise more money and continue making an impact. I still have this desire to help within me because it's who I am. Therefore, money can only help me be an even better person. 

In simpler terms and to paraphrase Manifestation Babe, money is an amplifier and it is neutral. What you do with money is entirely your choice but it is not money that is MAKING you do anything. Money just makes you more of who you already are.

Queen, it's not always easy to undo all the bullshit that you have learned to believe about what money is. You have the desire to live life on your own terms and part of that is financial freedom, so it is so crucial that you work on your money mindset. Please don't feel bad if its hard or you encounter resistance. I still feel tense when I do money affirmations, but it's a process, love. Be gentle with yourself. 

P.S. If you found this helpful or reassuring in anyway, please share this link. I put these posts and stories out there not only for myself, but in hopes that the person who needs to hear this will find out. Also, there is a part 2 to this, which is all about luxury and charity, so I hope to see you there ;)

Forced Positivity and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Hello Queen,

There are about a million thoughts swirling around in my head for posts, so what I ultimately end up talking about will be less of a surprise to you than it is to me. As a side note, this is also our 100th published post! Cheers to us, Queen!

I have made some major breakthroughs recently. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was beginning to put the work into changing my identity in terms of how I think, and what I really believe (not just what I say to myself or others). In other words, I have been forcing myself to walk the walk for the past two weeks. I have uncovered some deeply painful stories that were limiting my success. I uncovered fears, sorrows and new sources of joy. I know that I have come to understand myself better in the past two weeks (and overall year) than perhaps in my entire life.

And with all of this has also come the decision to look at life from a more positive lens; to empower myself by recognizing how I am responsible for my life and how it is lived. By making choices that better serve me and the world. By refusing to play small and recognizing where I could be happier. Part of this change comes from my strong belief in manifestation (the other is a strong desire to cut through the bullshit of my own life). But we are honest here on quarter-life queen, and I want to tell you where I have been struggling. I have written a post on emotions and manifestation before that you can find here.

Photo by Nikita Kachanovsky on Unsplash

This post is more about feeling the need to force positivity all the time and what I have realized from doing this. It's no secret that when you are reaching a new phase in your life, your ego will want to turn back. This is simply because leaving comfort zones and jumping into the unknown is not an easy thing to do (duh). The road to entrepreneurship can definitely be terrifying. You are jumping into something where there is no net and just trusting that you will fly. As I have made this transition, my ego has presented itself in many ways, but one of the most interesting ones is making me feel like I had to be positive all the time or else I would manifest negative things. That's a lot of fucking pressure.

Trying to silence difficult thoughts and emotions exhausted me, and there was definitely a time when I felt like: "damn, if this is what it takes to be an entrepreneur, than I don't want it. I want to feel the full spectrum of emotions, not just happiness." Thankfully, I am also able to recognize bullshit within myself immediately and was able to voice what I was doing. I was placing a false sense of pressure on myself to be positive knowing that it would be difficult. Once it did get difficult, I had an excuse to stop now and stay where I am. I am so glad that I can recognize my own patterns of self-sabotaging behavior and have moved beyond the either or mentality. Emotions aren't as simple as I am happy or I'm not, so when my ego tried to pull the black and white mentality from my teen years, it didn't work!

So Queen, I wish to remind you (as I did myself) that manifestation is not about forcing yourself to only feel positivity every second of the day. I also wish to remind you that choosing to be a queen is sometimes scary fucking work. Of course there will be days that come where you're just like " I don't know if I can do this." It's completely normal to feel doubt, anxiety, fear, sadness, anger and frustration because you are a human and being an entrepreneur does not negate that in anyway. What's important is that you just keep going, even when you feel like you can't.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

"If you get tired learn to rest, not to quit"- Banksy (as far as I can find)

Our We on A Perpetual Quest for Belonging?

Hello My Queens,

I am writing to you from a hotel room at a real desk with a leather chair, so this is a bit of a change of pace for me. I kind of feel like Carrie Bradshaw.

So, queens, for those of you who don't know, I started Quarter-Life Queen when I was unemployed and feeling absolutely horrible, but determined to change my life. As painful as it was, I took where I was in my life as a reminder of who I wanted to be before I "became realistic."

In the first two years of college, I decided that I wanted to be a publisher, but changed my mind because while I loved reading stories, I hated editing and found the whole idea of grammar and punctuation to be pretentious (hello honesty). As much as I believe in the power of books to save and change lives, I didn't want to be stuck on that side of the desk. So, then I wanted to be a social worker because I still really wanted to help people reach peace and happiness (yes, you can fucking be practicing as therapist as a social worker). I felt like I belonged with that group of people, but had my hesitations about my ability to help clients. While I had the tools, compassion and ability to see through limiting behaviors and beliefs, I also knew that I was an incredibly sensitive person and I would end up being deeply affected by the issues of my patients. I stopped feeling like I belonged there, so I moved on.

Then I moved to higher ed because that was a space where my story would be valued and where I knew I could make an immense difference, especially on the lives of low-income students. I had the idea that I would help these students be seen and heard and graduate. Then they would go on, be successful and change the world. I had to pick a niche in higher ed, and I chose international educations because it was a great balance of what I was looking for and also a field that needed help on diversifying and increasing access. But lo and behold, as happy as I am, I know that I'm not as happy as I could be.

And that brings us to the crux of this blog. Are we just constantly hopping from career to career looking for a sense of rightness? I feel like I was constantly looking for that field that felt like me. A place where I felt comfortable and fulfilled and happy, but all the careers I tried on felt okay, but they didn't feel like me. And I know that this can be very painful. We are taught to settle. We are taught that to want more is to be selfish, entitled and unrealistic. We are taught to take the tried and true path and go for good enough.

Well, Queen, that's bullshit. Why shouldn't we seek happiness? Why shouldn't we seek belonging? Why should I live my life expecting to just be mediocre and averagely happy? Maybe we feel like we don't belong because we are meant to carve our own paths.

I believe that this is true. Perhaps the careers we slip on don't feel perfect because they are not what we are meant to do. Perhaps we are charged with leading the way to different kinds of careers. perhaps we are meant to inspire others to lead their own lives and paths as they see fit and not as they were told to.

Judgement and Protecting Your Energy: You Owe No One an Explanation

Hello Queen,

I am at a conference for work this week and I want to bring you a story. Conferences are quite long and involve meeting a lot of different people all day. I was feeling energetically drained and quite excited to get back to my hotel room and have a hot bath. But there were three more hours of the day left (of which consisted of cocktails and more mingling.)

But here's the thing, I was exhausted. Not physically but emotionally. I didn't want to be around cocktails because I didn't want to drink and there were things that I wanted to do. The logical thing was to say goodbye and take myself back to the hotel. But we were nowhere near the hotel, and the only way to get back was to drive, which meant that I had to ask for and wait for a ride. And that's where the issue was because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. To me, asking for a ride to the hotel so I could skip the last event and care for myself sounded like selfish whining.

I worried this was how my colleagues would see me especially as one of the youngest people at the conference and the newest advisor. But, I had to stick to my guns and request to be taken back to the hotel. Clearly I was also feeling sensitive as I teared up inside and got angry when the ride didn't come fast enough. I was judging myself and unintentionally projecting onto others. 

I was people pleasing. That's the short and simple explanation that came to me after reflecting. I wanted to be well liked and worried that expressing the desire to end my day here would mean that people would see me as spoiled, as wanting my every need catered tp or even as a problem (despite being nothing but polite, friendly, engaged and attentive for two days. The insecure mind does not think rationally). I spent almost two hours muling this over in my mind, which is ridiculous. 

Well queen, I want to tell you what took me hours to learn and accept. 

1. You can't please everyone and if someone decides that they don't like you or makes a snap judgement of you, then that's not your problem. That's because people judge you based on what they are feeling or thinking in that moment. It has nothing to do with you, so there is no need to let it affect you. 
2. No one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself. The great news is that most people probably aren't even thinking of you. The fantastic news is that YOU control whether or not you judge yourself and you can decide to embrace acceptance instead. 
3. Protecting your energy is not something to be ashamed of. You don't need an excuse or a reason to take care of yourself. You owe no one an explanation. You can simply say, I don't want to. You're not being selfish or inconsiderate. In fact, you're probably being even more considerate because you are respecting your own boundaries and you are only giving people your genuine energy. After all, you know when someone's heart is not in it. 

Embrace your inner Phoebe Buffay: Tell it who it is and be unapologetically yourself, Queen

What If I get Everything I want and I'm Still Unhappy?

Hello Queen!

Can you believe we're almost halfway through August. This is a very exciting time for me (and you too, I hope). I am moving into a new apartment and I feel like Quarter-Life Queen is gaining some traction. I have very big ideas of where this will go and I am so excited to introduce you to the products I have in the works.

With all of this change, a fear popped up for me. I was just chilling and visualizing my future. Me on a boat, me overseeing the building of my resort, me on vacation, me hanging out in my house happy AF knowing that all of my bills are paid and I still have money to be boujee and support the world.

Then my ego spoke up and was like, "girl, what if you get all of this and you're still not happy? You could have the world and still be miserable." Now, normally I would tell my ego to shove it because that's not helpful (only after I thanked it for trying to protect me, of course). But this time, that was a valid question. It could be the case that I get everything I ever ask for and am unhappy. It could be the case that I get everything I want and decide that it's not enough, or that I didn't want it in the first place, or I changed my mind.

While thinking of all of this, I reminded myself that changing my mind and being ungrateful or two very different things. I reminded myself that even if all of this happened, I would only understand myself even better and it wouldn't stop me from trying to make a difference in a million lives. I wouldn't suddenly turn into an awful person. In the words of Kathrin Zenkina (Manifestation Babe) polarity breeds clarity.

But the question that my ego asked me allowed me to not only dismantle a limiting belief, it allowed me to realize a flaw in my current thinking. If I want to live life like a queen and be my best self, I can't wait to get everything I want to be happy. When I do that, I make material possessions and future experiences responsible for my happiness. I take my own power away by placing my happiness on external factors. If I want to be my best self (who is happy, at peace and full of faith), then I must act like her. I have to choose happiness now, and that was a beautiful moment of clarity for me.

So, what's the takeaway?

It's tempting to think of the possibility of being rich and unhappy and unsatisfied and then associate it with guilt and give up. We've been told that money can't buy happiness and queen, when you feel like things are really hard or you're not seeing results, it's tempting to believe that. It would be easy because then you could justify why you gave up on your dreams. But that's not the case. You will be grateful and happy because you choose to be grateful and happy.

Act as if, and don't take off your own crown because you are waiting for someone or something to prove that you are a queen. You are a queen simply because you exist, love.

Me better understanding myself

I Followed All of the Rules, So Why aren't I happy?

Hello Queen,

Let's dive deep today. Real deep (I may cry, but you will not see that). So, it's been almost a year since I have started Quarter-Life Queens, and I never seriously interrogated why I started this business. I just knew that I was in pain, and I didn't want anyone else who was in my situation to feel this way. I didn't want anyone to feel alone or feel like they were somehow fucked up for suffering. To be honest with you, I was not only devastated, I felt a little bit lied to. I did everything I was supposed to do, so why the fuck wasn't I happy???

It was easy for me to pin my unhappiness on unemployment and stress about money. I couldn't afford to eat, I couldn't afford rent, I cried about possibly being evicted, I beat myself up for asking people for money, I maxed out all of my credit cards trying to live, I didn't have a job, I was spending all of my energy applying to jobs etc... I had plenty of excuses for feeling like shit, but I also felt like the victim. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I had a degree, I went to graduate school and got a master's degree from an Ivy league school. I graduated with honors. I interned every single summer and winter break. My resume was filled to the brim with extensive experiences and qualifications. So, why was I in this shit hole situation? My degrees and impressive resume were supposed to protect me from this shit. (wow, putting myself back in that situation really just depressed the fuck out of me).

But, I realized that feeling resentful and victimized was not helping me. Feeling entitled to a job was not helping me. So, I let go of my NEED to be "successful" shifted into gratitude and decided that only I could define success. I eventually got a full-time job in the exact field I wanted. I got a pay I was very comfortable with, was not evicted, secured a new apartment, made new friends and overall began to live the life I set out to get. I began to live the life I was supposed to want. But, Queen, guess what? I still didn't feel like I was living up to my potential. Yet, I had followed the steps to success:

1. Go to college
2. Get an advanced degree
3. Get a well-paying job
4. hangout with friends and loved ones
5. Enjoy life (not too much)
6. pay taxes
7. get married
8. have children
9. retire
10. die

That's it. That's the life that we are told we should strive for. These are the steps to success that we are prescribed. If you do these things, you'll be pretty happy and you will have done your part. It won't be perfect and maybe it's not the life that you wanted, but hey, life doesn't work that way. But that just feels so phony to me, Queen. I followed the rules, I followed the steps, shouldn't I be more satisfied? Allow me to call bullshit on myself and society. 

Queen, listen up. Don't let anyone tell you that you are being ungrateful, entitled or privileged for not being happy with this prescribed life. You feel like you are meant for more because you are meant for more! It's okay for you to take a different route. It's okay for you to decided that only you can define your happiness. You are the queen of your life, and you decide the rules. 

So, you followed all of the rules? Now you get to rewrite them. 

Becoming a Minimalist??: On Clearing Energetic Space

Hello Queen!

It feels like we haven't spoken in forever, but I know that's not true. So, I am about to transition to this amazing, exciting part of my life. I have lived in the same beautiful apartment for the past 2 years and I will be moving into a new place downtown in just two weeks! This is insane to me, as I love that part of my city (it always felt so high vibe), plus i'm on the top floor and it seems like all of my friends had the same idea so we'll be so much closer to each other (except for bestie in NYC who I miss terribly).

Queen, let me tell you that as exciting as this all is, it is also mildly stressful because I will be away at a conference next week, and then I will have to move out all of my stuff the week after that (my eye is twitching just thinking about it). In order to make things easier on myself and bring my new boss energy into my new place, I have been getting rid of things (hence the title of this post). At this point I have gotten rid of more than half my wardrobe. I am selling every piece of furniture that I own (with the exception of my bed, mattress, desk chair and foot stool). I'm not doing this just to make my move a bit easier, I am also doing this to clear energetic space. And that is what I want to talk to you about.

I can honestly say that I am so much closer to my best self than I was in 2017. I focused on changing my mindset, deciding my future, being honest about what in my life was not working and blowing through the bullshit that was keeping me at mediocrity. But now, I am diving into the really messy part of personal development; I am taking on myself. With that has come confronting painful memories and clearing toxic energy from my life. The process of forgiveness, releasing anger and letting go of limiting beliefs is deeply painful (but necessary).

But clearing physical energetic space? That shit is easy. And here's the value I have found in doing it. By physically removing possessions from my life, I am able to more easily admit what is not working. This top? I haven't worn it in three years. This dress? I wear it, but it doesn't make me feel good. This couch is decorative etc.... By clearing this energetic space in my life, I am also welcoming new things to fill that space. Things that are more aligned with who I am now, not who I was.

I bring this to you because clearing internal space is difficult and sometimes very slow work. It can feel like you are stagnant and spinning in circles. But by clearing physical space I was able to feel like big changes were on their way. I am able to feel like I am making progress which provides me with the energy needed to rewrite my limiting stories.

But, will I ever really be a minimalist? Nah, Queen. I love being boujee. I have a taste for luxury and that is one hundred percent okay.

Personal Development: Internal Resistance

Hello Queen,

Let me tell you, I've been tired as hell. I literally thought to myself: I'm going to need a vacation before I have a mental breakdown.

As you know, I decided that I would begin the work of changing aspects of my identity that do not serve me. Today, I was listening to a podcast that spoke about the idea of self-assault, also known as the horrible ways you treat yourself. And that's what I mean when I say changing aspects of my identity. I want to remove the ideas I have about myself that fucking suck and are slowing me down from making massive change.

Queen, this shit is intense. Like the second I began to poke at these feelings, thought patterns and beliefs, I found that a wall came up. I mean I couldn't even think about what I needed because my mind would go blank. But I was still left with all of those difficult emotions, without being able to think about why I was feeling that.

My brain trying to work through issues

And I got really frustrated. I started to think that I would be stuck thinking shitty things forever because I couldn't break through that wall. I was afraid and I was angry. What the hell was hiding behind those walls that my brain doesn't want me to touch? Why was my mental drill not strong enough (no joke it felt like I was throwing myself against a wall)? I felt defeated and stuck. 

But queen, I want to tell you something I know. Even if you refuse to give the things that worry you about a name, the emotions will still be there, but they will be harder to deal with because you won't be able to know what is causing them. Voicing your concerns and working through your problems will not manifest or lead to more problems. Bottling your emotions up and letting them poison your mind will. 

Also, if you feel like these blocks just fucking came out of nowhere, then you're on the right path. That internal resistance that you are feeling is your cue that you're about to dismantle some deep rooted shit. It's your cue that you are about to up level your life. So while it may be hard, and you may feel defeated, I want you to praise yourself because girl, you've made it to the entrance of the next level. 

Of course, I want to tell you what helped me realize this. You're going to feel like a lunatic, but just try it out. 

1. Talk to yourself aloud, stream of consciousness style. 

The reason is that when these feelings and thoughts are whirling around in your head, it feels hard to wrangle them and dismantle them one by one. When you speak aloud, you are forcing your mind to create coherent thoughts and you are creating space for these emotions to present their root causes to you (yes, queen, this is all very woo woo, but I also know that you are open-minded and willing to try new methods as you grow). 

To combat some of the discomfort that comes with speaking to yourself aloud, record yourself on a voice memo. Then it feels less like you're talking to yourself and more like you're working on a project. I saw this on the one day at a time remake (on Netflix, yes, it is amazing) and that shit worked. Please let me know how this worked for you in the comments below. 

Until next time, Queen

Self-Improvement: Identity Work

Hello Queen,

You all know that I have been working to change my perspectives, beliefs and life. I have made personal development an integral part of my life in the past year. Not all days are easy, and sometimes I doubt myself. For instance, I thought of the financial abundance I want in my life, pictured the exact amount and then heard my inner voice laugh. There is so much doubt surrounding some of my greatest desires and I really have to work through.

So, queen, I want to tell you about something I have learned recently from manifestation babe. I have been putting so much effort into changing my beliefs and behaviors in hopes that it will also change my identity. While this is important work that has made a difference in my mindset, it turns out I've been taking the longer route. I have to change my identity in order to make serious headway on these other things. I wonder if this is why I still encounter resistance when I think about certain things.

Now when I say that I need to change my identity, I mean that I need to change the way I think about myself and what I think I am worth and capable of. That means digging really deeply into the crap that was ingrained in me from birth and rewriting that story. I'll be honest with you, and tell you the thought is terrifying. I locked that shit in a box, and I'm scared of touching it because I'm afraid that I won't be able to rewrite the story. But, I also know that by thinking that, I take away my own power. Like how silly does it sound to say, "yeah I wrote this story, but I don't know if I have the ability to change it."

The whole point is that identity work isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be hard. Remember that all of the stuff you're going to have to do takes place inside of yourself and is always completely within your control. You are always safe even as you work to make massive, inspired change. Also, please be gentle as you confront the parts of yourself that hurt. 

Until next time, Queen!

Weight Loss Journey: Eating Whatever I Wanted for 6 Months

Hello Queens!

Welcome back to another episode of Shar's selfish time. For those of you who are new here, Shar's selfish time is where I write about something I felt inspired to write that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with business or where i'm not really connecting to a lesson. Today, I want to talk about weight. Specifically gaining a significant amount of weight after losing a significant amount. Like all stories, I'm going to start with the trigger.

The other day, I went to the doctor's office for a routine visit. Imagine the horror and disgust I felt when I learned that my weight was at 175 pounds. Let me be clear. If anyone told me they were at 175 pounds, I would be like so what? Why does that matter? But because it is me, I immediately spiraled into a pit of doom. What's even more fucked up? My doctor happily informed that I was above average health. And I didn't give a fuck.

I could suddenly feel every pound of fat on my body and felt giant; almost like a sausage bursting at the seams. And that feeling didn't go away. I determined that I would stop eating beyond absolute minimal necessity. I tried to convince myself that I didn't need to eat. I couldn't sleep because I was so stressed about my weight. I obsessively planned ways to fit 2 hours of gym time into my schedule. Every time I walked past my reflection, I would yell at myself that I was so fucking fat. When I sat down I would get so furious because I could feel my stomach touching my thighs.

That wasn't vey queenly of me, but I want to be real with you about how this felt. And here's why that number fucked me up so badly. I lost 60 pounds 5 years ago. I was happy and fit and relatively pleased with how I looked. But I realized that I was depriving myself of a lot of things. I don't know exactly when I reintroduced junk into my life, but I did. I stopped tracking, I slowed down on working out until I wasn't doing it at all. I convinced myself that my body could not get smaller than 150 pounds and it wasn't possible for me to gain any weight back regardless of what I did.

The pounds slowly came back on, but I didn't really notice a difference in my physical appearance. Five pounds one year, 10 pounds another. No big deal, I was still lighter than I had been. Then I put on 10 more pounds from January of this year to now. For those of you keeping track, that's a 25 pound weight gain. I feel like I have undone all of the work that I put into losing weight. I feel like a blob. I feel like my weight gain shouts to the world that I can't stick to what I do. That I'm lazy. That I can't control what I eat.

And I'm going to call bullshit on myself. I had to remind myself that I started this year with the intent to repair my relationship with food. I lost 50 of those 60 pounds because I was unintentionally under-eating and over exercising  (2 hours of exercise on 900 calories a day)  I wanted to remind myself that diet and exercise is about so much more than how you look.

On January 1, 2018 I told myself that I would eat whatever the fuck I wanted and I wouldn't worry about exercise. I knew that I would gain weight, but I felt like the rewards I would get from this experiment were greater than the sacrifice. I needed to prove to myself once and for all that I really don't enjoy eating junk food and laying around all day. I just wanted to get the desire to binge out of my system. I wanted to stop associating eating with guilt.

And did I accomplish what I set out to do? Absolutely. My mood fucking sucked when I ate junk. I felt sluggish and sad and unaccomplished when I didn't work out. I wasn't as happy as I am when I am being healthy. I craved vegetables. I wanted to move my body. And very importantly, I realized that I don't even like junk food. At least not enough to want to eat it everyday in excess (mostly because I am blessed enough to be the person that can really taste when something is artificial). But I kept up this lifestyle until I was ready to disrupt it, and I feel ready now.

So, yes. I have gained 25 pounds. Yes, I do still struggle with feeling fat and hating that feeling. Yes, I still beat myself up. But more important than any of that is that I have built my strong foundation for losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle because I genuinely want to. I have trained myself to enjoy moderation and to stop demonizing food.

Thank you for reading this very long post of Shar's life.

Until next time Queen!