Overachieving will get you nowhere

I am an overachiever. It is true and it's something that has caused me a lot of hassle and pain over the years. I will be honest and say I am scared to post this. This post is such an honest exploration of some of my personal faults/my shadow self. But this blog has always been about my journey and what I have learned along the way, so, here we are. 

I am an overachiever, which I am not proud of. This is firmly rooted in my shadow self and my ego. While I could write an entire post about the expectations put on women to be everything to everyone and to take everything on, I want to ground this in how this has showed up in my life.

I struggled with depression for a huge part of my childhood and teenage years and that (in combination with many other reasons I can now recognize as an adult) led a lot of people to perceive me as lazy. I hate that so much because it is a judgment and it is an untrue and unfair one. Struggling with a mental illness and the challenges of depression were so incredibly difficult for me. The symptoms and realities of what that makes someone's life look like does not make someone lazy. Nor does it ever give you permission to say that to someone. But because I was a child, I took that label of lazy and absorbed it into my identity. I made it so that within my shadow existed the fear of not doing or being enough.

Nothing I ever did felt like an accomplishment or something I worked for. I would constantly say I was lazy without acknowledging how much I did and took on in my life. I often had my hands on multiple projects, had strong goals that I was constantly working for, and tried new things all the time. From this blog to a podcast, to my degrees, to the business I started, to my YouTube channels, my job, my health and wellness, my hobbies, etc...

It didn't matter what I was doing or how much I was doing. I just always felt like I was lazy. That despite how much I worked on my passions, it just wasn't a big deal. Throughout my life, so many people have pointed out to me just how much I do and were absolutely incredulous at the idea that I could believe that I was a lazy person. 

I recognize now that I am not, nor have I ever been lazy--to be clear there is nothing wrong with rest. In fact, rest is of critical importance, and choosing to rest never makes someone lazy. I recognize and accept now that other people's projections have absolutely NOTHING to do with me or my identity. Hell, it doesn't have to be my business, even if they try to make it my business. And while I could write a whole other post on identity, self-worth, and other people's perceptions, that's not what this post is about. 

Because I recently realized that everything I just shared with you is exactly why I am an overachiever. I unintentionally made it a subconscious belief that I had to do the most. And not only did I have to do the most, I had to be the most "high-value" person in the room. I had to be the best and take on all of the projects so that I could prove to myself and others that I deserved to be here. And by here I literally mean on this earth.

I know that is such a ridiculous thought because no one has to earn their right to exist, but again I am being vulnerable here and sharing what was really going on in my shadow. I felt like I had to earn my right to exist via the volume and quality of work I put out. 

So I would take on the 8 million things and volunteer to take on all of the projects. I would notice inefficiencies and make it my business to fix them. And my love, all this got me was a whole lot of fucking burnout. I am talking about burnout so severe that I completely lost myself and was a shell of a person curled up on the ground. 

And so I write this post to remind myself that I do not have to do the most. And I do not need to be the person who takes on everything. Just because there is a better way to do something, does not mean that I need to be the one to fix it, nor do I always need to be the one who cares.

It is okay to have high standards for yourself if this is something that feels good for you. But if the high standards you have for yourself are causing you to feel small, restricted, or overwhelmed, it's time to reevaluate. And if this desire to take on everything and do everything is coming from the need to prove yourself (exactly as it shows up for me), it's time to look inward. I can only say I am so fucking tired of living in the cycle of overachieving, burnout, recovery, overachieving. It's time to create a new pattern.

Your Future Self is NOT Perfect. Stop believing that they are

The version of you who has everything you want is a normal person. I know that sounds like such a simple thing to say, but it's true. It is so easy to idealize the versions of ourselves who have everything we desire. The version of us with the house, the money, the soulmate, the amazing friend group, the dream career, etc. To idolize them to the point where they become an impossible vision and subconsciously, we start to believe that we will never be that person. 

Of course, this is to our detriment. If it is the future version of ourselves who has everything we want (spoiler alert, it is not, but that is a topic for a different post), but this version of ourselves feels impossible to reach, then our goals also start to feel impossible. It is easy for us to believe that the future version of ourselves must always be perfect and in one hundred percent alignment. After all, they must be doing something different to us to have everything they desire.

At the root of this, is the belief that you must not currently be energetically aligned with your desires. Because if you were, wouldn't you already have everything you want? And the truth is, no my love. Just because you don't yet currently have what you desire, does not mean that it is not on its way to you. It does not mean that you need to change yourself and struggle to raise your vibration (more on vibration later). When things in your life aren't manifesting, despite all of the work you are doing, the easiest but most painful thing we do is believe that it must be our fault. 

Maybe you hired coaches and took courses and journaled every day and tapped and tried to clear your energy and scripted and envisioned the life you desire and desperately tried to release attachment. You did everything you were supposed to do, but it didn't work for you. When your desires are not manifesting in your life, despite all of the work you are doing, it is so easy to believe that the problem must be you. And if you're feeling very low about this, it can be easy to think well, the Universe must not love me. Or to think that you're being punished or that your energy is blocking your vision. 

In my experience, two paths appear before you when you have reached this point: turn back and say never mind, OR keep going but decide that you just need to become the version of yourself who already has everything you desire. After all, aren't you supposed to embody the version of yourself who has already manifested your dreams? In this state, it is easy to idolize your future self. To think that they are perfect, live the perfect life, and are an energetic match to everything they want all the time. 

Allow me to help take your future self off a pedestal here, because you are never going to embody a version of yourself that does not exist. Let me clarify. It is IMPOSSIBLE that the future version of yourself is always happy, never has a bad day, and lives in a constant state of euphoria. Your future self may very well be happy, but they are NOT happy all of the time. They have bad days, bad experiences, and things they learn and grow from. They have goals they are still working towards, things they are still learning about themselves, etc. Not every day is a magical, rainbow adventure of a day. Some days are boring as heck to your future self. Sure, they have everything this current version of you desires. But it is the human experience to feel the full spectrum of emotions, to learn from life, to have ups and downs, and to strive for more (hello law of expansion). The version of yourself who has everything you desire has not transcended humanity. 

The point is, that version of yourself is still you and is still human. They know how to deal with bad days. They also have things they are in the process of manifesting. They have practices they come back to when their vibration is "low." They don't turn away from difficult feelings.

So, when you are practicing embodying the version of yourself who already has what you desire, remember it is not about being perfect. You do not embody the version of yourself who has it all by ignoring your down days, turning a blind eye to your issues, and trying to suppress your emotions into "high vibe only." You embody the future version of yourself by learning to love and care for yourself now. By learning certainty now and by having faith that this version of you exists and you are already them.

Take your future self off the pedestal and realize that you are much closer to them than you think you are.

You don't need to be extraordinary

You don't need to be extraordinary. You don't need to live the most impressive life possible. We have been conditioned to dream bigger and aim for more. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with that, it is important to note that if this does not feel right for you, it does not have to apply to you. As you all know, I don't believe that one path fits all. Not every single person may want their lives to go the exact same way.

As someone who is in the personal development community, both as a teacher and a student, I want to tell you that it is so easy to believe that the way to do it (life? manifestation?? why don't we question what it is?) right is to want more. That surely, you actually have huge ambitions for your life and you want to run some kind of business, you've just been conditioned to think small. And once we clear all that, your ambitions will rise to the top and you will live that billionaire dream life you secretly wanted all along. And listen my love. That IS true for a number of people. There certainly are people who do really want to live a luxurious life and travel the world and be their own boss and employ others and put something out into the world that has meaning and impact. Heck, I am one of those people!

But I think it is also important to acknowledge that is not the ONLY way. Just because this is the path you see most often, does not mean it must also be the path for you.  And you know what? Becoming a business owner and making a billion dollars does not mean that you lived an extraordinary life.

It is also fantastic for you to want a "simple" life. For you to want to have a moderate income, to want to live in a tiny cabin in the woods, or to want to dedicate your life to being a parent or whatever it is that you dream of. That too can be extraordinary and none of these things are lesser or less valid of a dream. As a society (speaking from an American POV), we have been taught to value ambition and to view ambition and drive as something to be deeply admired. And so we have come to view anything that is "not" that as a negative thing. Naturally, we are not going to want to sit in something that makes us feel like we are wrong or "lazy." So we aim to have more "ambition." But in case you need to hear it, you define what ambition is for yourself. No one can define that for you. 

I just want to remind you that it is okay for you to want what you want. It is okay for you not to dream of a mansion and 6 cars and business and world travel and a soulmate and 2.5 kids and luxury. Whatever it is that you desire is valid as it is. I will leave you on this note. Manifestation at its core is about creating the kind of life that you WANT to live. It is about believing that you have the potential to create what it is that you desire. And one of the most crucial steps to manifesting that I believe most people skip is asking yourself, do I really want this or have I been conditioned to want this? Do I only want this because I think it will make others see me in a more positive light? Do I want this because I think it's impressive?

As you are navigating your life, in those moments when you have the space to think, I want you to get in the practice of asking yourself, where is this coming from? Alright, my love and that is all I have for you today. 

Much Love Always

I Don't Know How to Be Vulnerable Anymore

Of all the posts to start with, I am not sure why I want to start with this one. Quite honestly I've been thinking of new blog posts multiple times a month for over 8 months. I've always mentally written them, so to actually sit down and write this post feels a little strange. But I guess that's the point of this. I don't know how to be vulnerable online anymore. And in losing that, I also feel like I've lost my ability to be authentic.

For those of you who don't know me, I built my entire brand around me and my real life. My whole thing was about authenticity and I believed that part of building community and helping others find safety in themselves was finding safety in myself. It was allowing myself to be whole and to show that to others. Even when it was hard or what I was sharing wasn't pretty. Everything that I did centered around the concept that you can be the wholest, most complete expression of yourself and still be worthy and capable of manifesting everything you desire. You are allowed to be completely human and your internal world does not always have to be sunshine and rainbows to be a vibrational match to what you deep down already know is yours.

But part of that authenticity was also being very clear and intentional with my energy. I wanted to lead by example. So, when I started to feel the nudge that I needed to be clear and focused because I was about to have my tower moment, I listened. When I felt pulled towards some of my other passions and felt that initial desire to temporarily step away from coaching, I listened. I would love to tell you that this decision was one hundred percent coming from my intuition. But the truth is, I don't know if it was. I do believe in some ways I was being intuitively guided to my next steps and while I am so happy with the balance I am achieving and the introduction of some new passions, I can't sit here and tell you that fear and ego were not a significant portion of that decision.

Anyway, so I have my tower moment. I fall apart and I allow myself to slowly stitch together this new version of myself (I am still doing this). But somewhere along the way, I became afraid of showing up as authentically as I previously did. And that makes me sad. Because it feels like I went through my tower moment and I was willing to sit in the discomfort. But then I threw up walls around my entire self. Not just my heart, but literally my entire identity. And now I only show others small pieces of myself. I can only show up in pieces online and as you can imagine, that doesn't feel great. Especially as someone who holds authenticity and authentic expression as her top value.

It feels like I am guarding myself away. I feel like no one is allowed to see me in my entirety. I keep trying to show more of myself, but it literally gets hidden away in this fog and I can't even access the parts of me I want to share with others. And that is in such sharp contrast to who I was previously, that it just feels odd and lonely. I want to tear those walls down, but quite honestly, I don't know why they are up in the first place (outside of fear of rejection and fear of danger). 

And so, I guess this is what healing looks like for now. Thank you to every single one of you for being here. I love you more than words can express and I know that one day, you and I will be back to the point where this kind of intimacy, vulnerability, and being seen feels normal and effortless again.

Much Love, Always,

Shar

On Not Feeling Like Yourself and Letting Go of Who You Used to Be

 Hello My Beautiful Queen, 

A huge theme in my life at the moment is energetic boundaries and manipulation. As a young child living at home, I truly believed that I was just too sensitive. Surely the anxiety and depression I felt was a product of myself and my own inability to handle life. Now as an adult living at home, I understand that some of this truly was my environment. 

Now this blog post isn't about blame. I'm not here to blame anyone, but I am here to process what is on my mind. I spoke with my coach recently about the pressure to present myself as perfect. Not in a way where I would ever lie or manipulate my story to make it "better or more successful" but in a way that there is a pressure to always have the lesson and the takeaway. 

For me, it is more important to share my raw moments with you. To let it be okay that sometimes life is hard, and sometimes we don't know what to do, and we don't show up as our best selves and we don't always see the lesson.

If we're going to be super raw right now, for a lot of this year, I felt either like shit or just disconnected from myself. Which doesn't mean that there weren't good moments, or times when I felt confident and fantastic. Just that there were also challenges. Most of the time, I just didn't feel like myself. And reflecting on the end of the year, I have realized that a lot of this was coming from having expectations for who I was. But the thing is, we are human. And so we evolve. You are never the same exact version of yourself, and just as comparing yourself to others can be unhealthy, comparing yourself to previous versions of you, is also unhealthy. A lesson I am carrying forward with me is that when it comes to your own evolution, it doesn't matter who you were before because that person does not exist anymore. What matters is who you are now and how you choose to treat yourself in this moment. 

I often tell my clients that no amount of inner work will ever make it so you never experience darkness in your life. The darkness is part of your expansion. But you can learn to witness yourself and learn what it means to support yourself through the darkness. You can learn that being in the dark doesn't make you the dark.