Addressing the fear of being a leader

 

Hello My Beautiful Queen,

Wow, these past couple of months have been quite the journey. I experimented with a number of things and honestly have just been diving deep into the world of my own shadow. I realized a lot of things about how I treat myself, how I treat others and how I allow others to treat me. 

I have always said that the spiritual, soul expanding journey is not always rainbows and sunshine. That sometimes doing the inner work means that you are going to have to grieve who you have been, step into who you have not been and be willing to release what no longer works. But the thing is, we are conditioned to ignore what doesn't work. We tell ourselves that's just how life works, that's just how relationships work, that's just the way it is for me. This an old tool of the patriarchy which has now fallen away.

It's how it is for us in our individual lives because that's what we believe we deserve. I am specifically talking about what we think is possible for us and about relationships. Moving forward I want to use this blog as a space for me to explore my own journey, not necessarily to directly teach and coach. I do that in my programs, in my one-on-one coaching and on my social media platforms. If you are looking for the lesson, the takeaway and tips on starting your own expansion journey, start there. 

So, my Karma number is 4. Which means that I have a problem with authority.  I have always hated anyone telling me what to do, how to do it and then saying it's because I have to. This is not my first incarnation and my soul knows bullshit when it senses it. But until recently, I did not acknowledge that I also had an issue with myself as an authority. I shy away from any positions of power and tend to take a step back. Which is ironic because I am the CEO of my own company, run a podcast and coach hundreds of women. My life path number is 8, which is the role of the abundant healer. In this lifetime, I was always meant to pay off my karmic debt by being called into the roles of the leader.

What that means for me in real world contexts is that I waiver a lot. I want success, and I know on every level that I can have it. I have achieved it in many ways, but it never feels like I am there, because I know I am suppressing my own desire to lead. Simply because I am afraid of success and what success may demand of me. Like so many women that I work with, I too have the fear of what if this works, but I am not able to handle it? Unwilling to open myself up to mass scrutiny, afraid of what it means to manage employees and millions of dollars and worried that I will be so overwhelmed that I will cease to enjoy my own life. What is the point of success if I can't enjoy it?

But I can't stop thinking about my dream life. I can't stop thinking about what me accomplishing my dreams would do for my family, for my friends and for my clients. I also think about my death, and how my spirit would feel if once again, I let my fears stop me from doing what I have always wanted to do. I am being called to lead, and although that is fucking terrifying, I continue to show up and do it.

In this chapter of my life, I want to ease my foot off the brakes and remove the cap I have put on my own success. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am the one holding myself back. And so I am setting out to get out of my own way.

Much Love Always,

Shar

Confidence, Authenticity and the Courage to Be Yourself

 Hello My Beautiful Queen,

Confidence is not arrogance and believing that you are the shit. It has nothing to do with your ego. In the spiritual world we often hear about the ego and overcoming the ego. Then we think back to psychology and we think of the ego, like being egotistical, or arrogant. Believing that you are the center of the universe.

Nah queen, not what we are talking about. See, the ego gets this terrible reputation as this thing that is out to destroy your life. Or the thing that if not checked, will turn you into a narcissistic maniac. It is neither of those things. The ego is the voice inside of you that tells you you aren't good enough. That you can't have what you want and questions who the fuck you think you are when you dare to shine your light and live your best life. I know it's hard to believe, but the ego does all of this in an attempt to protect you from the unknown. It also does a whole lot more than that in relation to your soul expansion and the creation of your reality. But queen, I teach all of this in Connected and to be honest with you, if I explained all of this, this would turn out to be a very different post. I just want to establish what the ego is so we are all on the same page.

With that said, people, and especially folx that identify as women, have been conditioned to believe that they should be small. That being confident in yourself is a dangerous thing because you'll turn into this being with no awareness of anyone but themselves, will do whatever you need to do to be happy, and in general won't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. That as womxn, we should be small and unseen and unheard. That if we are too loud and outspoken, people will think that we are bitches, that we are not attractive and that we will end up alone forever. Yeah, fuck the patriarchy for that shit and whenever you hear that voice, remind yourself that this is what society wants you to believe and it feels like shit because it is not true.

When you believe that being confident means being a bitch, you are creating a false dichotomy. You understand, that being confident in yourself is the key to giving yourself permission to be authentic. And authenticity is what attracts your ideal relationships and the kind of success that you crave. But my queen, if there is a clash in your values and definition of confidence, you are never going to feel safe enough to be confident in who you are and how you show up.

This is something I have worked through and something I continue to help my clients work through. If your core value is compassion, kindness and understanding, and your definition of confidence includes not giving a fuck what other people think, you are going to reject the idea of being confident. Because subconsciously, you hold the belief that embodying this will mean losing your sense of compassion and awareness. 

To reframe this, you have to make it safe to be the center of your own universe. You have to make it safe to be confident. You must understand that being your authentic self and showing up confidently does not mean that you stop caring about other people. It doesn't mean that you stop caring about the issues you have always cared about or you start stepping on others to get to where you want to go. Because insecure is not what fuels you to be this compassionate person. You simply are this compassionate person, and confidence in yourself cannot change that.

Being the center of your own universe, does not mean that everyone else disappears. Queen, I have news for you. If confidence turns you into an asshole, it's not because you are confident. You were always just an asshole. Confidence is not a scary thing and does NOT have the power to turn you into something that you are not.

To step into the ability to be confident and learn how to show up as your authentic self, you must first understand how you currently define confidence and whether or not that definition of confidence conflicts with who you want to be.

Much Love, Always,

Shar

The Hidden Link Between Authenticity and Belonging

Hello My Beautiful Queen!

My bad. I have been feeling such a call to post on instagram, and if you don't follow me (@quarter.life.queens), then it has been almost a month since you have heard from me. I am recording a podcast episode for the QLQ podcast all about what has been going on my life, how I am evolving and what I have learned in this chapter of my life and my business. At the root of this post, we're going to explore how confidence affects your entire life. 

I want to talk to you about something I was helping one of my clients work through recently. See, she had a story that I held for a long time. Which was if I was truly confident, I would have to be a bitch. Because confident people don't care about what other people think and aren't aware of how their presence affects other people. Of course, we can consciously acknowledge that doesn't make sense and can think of at least a few people who are confident and incredibly compassionate. But when it comes to subconscious beliefs, it just doesn't work like that. 

Cause queen, your subconscious is big daddy, and when it teams up with your basic needs for survival, it's a big hitter. And well love, the desire and need to belong is at its root a survival instinct and basic human need. When you believe that in order to belong, you have to be well liked, that is going to become the core of your identity. And if you were excluded before, well queen, that's going to turn into some people pleasing tendencies and make it so you and your comfort are always come last.

I'm just going to be blunt. If you don't respect yourself, people are going to have a hard time respecting you. If you don't love yourself, it will be hard for other people to truly love you because you don't allow them to see you, or get close enough to try. If you don't put yourself first, then you will be second place to everyone. When you show up in the energy of please use me because that is all that I have to offer, then people will do so. Not because they are terrible, but because that is the energy you are available for. That is the story that you have, and so your subconscious mind gets to work and makes sure that you find yourself with the people and in the situations that confirm your beliefs to be true.

Want to shift that? You need to dream a different dream and get some new beliefs. So much of business and life requires you to show up authentically. If at the core of your self, you don't believe that you are a worthy person and that you're not good enough, you are not going to want other people to see that. So authenticity is going to be really fucking hard because you are not confident in yourself and you don't truly know who you are. Being authentic will be really fucking hard because you don't WANT people to see you. Somewhere along the way, you learned that it was safer to hide in the shadows. To be who you think you need to be to meet that basic need to belong. 

But my love, you will always have a group of people that you belong with. When you try to conform to who you think you need to be, it just ensures that you will always feel like the outsider. Because you are forcing yourself to fit in with a group that doesn't align with who you are.

Give yourself some love and compassion and have the grace to listen. Because underneath all that shame and fear is your inner goddess waiting to shine her life and claim her bold and beautiful reality. My queen, this is the kind of work that I specialize in. As I finish this round of coaching with my current clients, I have two one-on-one spots coming available for align coaching.

Much Love, Always, 

Shar