Why Traditional Goal Setting Don't Work For Me

This is a little bit weird for me to write, and that's because the subject matter is so sensitive. This post has been sitting in my drafts for over 2 months, and I keep feeling called to write it, but I just don't. Procrastination much?

The best I can do in this post is, to be honest. Please keep in mind that I am speaking only to my experiences, and what goes through my own mind. First, let's start with the obvious.

I run a business. Running a business means having goals for both myself and for the business. This is usually done in quarters to make sure that I am on target to achieve what I would like to achieve. I have always been honest with you about my anxiety, how I manage it, and the ways it still shows up in my life. But something I have never shared with you is my struggles with obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

I say tendencies because I am not OCD. I have never received a diagnosis for this and my tendencies rarely show up in most of my life. And almost always when I feel highly anxious. My hesitance with writing this post has a lot to do with how much people misuse and misunderstand what it means to be OCD. So, let's start with full transparency.

When I was a child, I had really bad anxiety. I would make what I always called bets with myself. I had to walk a certain way, or my mother would die. I had to read something within a certain time frame, or I would lose everyone I loved. It was never anything consistent. Just suddenly thought would enter my mind, and I would have to act on it or something terrible would happen. As I got older, I understood logically that none of those "bets" made sense, but I had to do them. My anxiety left me with no other option. 

As I mentioned, it was never the same thing, and it didn't happen a lot unless I was in a very anxious state. When I was in my junior year of college, my anxiety flared up so badly. It was awful and I worked with my therapist because I was dissociating from reality, could hardly look people in the eye, and dreaded leaving my apartment. I didn't know what caused this, but I knew I needed help.

My therapist was absolutely amazing. One of the best therapists I have ever worked with and she completely changed my life. I mentioned these "bets" to her and how I found those intrusive thoughts coming again and how much distress they caused me. That is where I learned that these thoughts and bets were actually obsessive-compulsive. The obsession being the intrusive thought: pick up the paper, walk a certain way, don't step on, hold your breath for, and the compulsion being do this or everyone you love will die.

I remember one day just falling to my knees praying and crying for these thoughts to stop because I hated thinking about anyone I loved dying and I hated that my mind used that against me. My therapist thankfully taught me how to deal with these and to manage my anxiety. Now, these kinds of thoughts and tendencies rarely ever show up in my life.

But the one area they do show up is with To-Do lists and goal setting. Because every time I make one of those lists or put pressure to complete a goal within a certain time frame, I hear that voice so you have to finish this, or else. It's the one area of my life where these tendencies come up again (the other being having to repeatedly check that the door is locked).

Because I recognized that the traditional to-do list and goal setting did not work for me and triggered those dark thoughts within me, I had to find a way that worked. I had to combine the strategies my therapist gave me, with my knowledge and awareness as a mindset coach, to create goal setting strategies that did not include pressure!

Honestly, that's why I created my goal setting workbook. There's so much more that I explain in that workbook about why it is important to me and how you can set aligned goals without the pressure. For that reason, I'm going to encourage you to pick up your free copy here, simply because I don't want to repeat myself, and the version of me that wrote that workbook can explain it so much better than this version of me can.

This was a post that has been on my heart for over a year. Thank you for being with me and taking the time to read it. 

Much Love, Always,

Shar

I Don't Want To Let Them Down: Reflections from a first-gen graduate

This is a little different than my normal posts. Today I want to talk to you about the pressure to succeed and keep up the appearance of success as a first-gen student. I will do my best to have a succinct message, but for now, I am simply exploring my feelings.

I was born and raised in Harlem, NYC. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college and the first person in my family to go on and get a master's degree. My family is poor, and education was the way out for me. I was so happy to go away to college and I can say that the experiences I had in my 5 years of post-secondary education truly shaped who I am today.

But something I didn't expect was the pressure. See, a college degree is often lauded as this amazing way to break out of poverty. And while I cannot deny the value of an education, it's not this golden ticket that it often felt like my family believed it was. Whether it was intentional or not, I felt this constant pressure to succeed. To land the job immediately, to take fantastic vacations and to live the way white women were shown to live on TV shows. I imagined my life was supposed to look like having fun at work, getting paid well, rooftop happy hours, and sending my family money. The reality was a little different, but I couldn't shake the shame.

No one ever said this, but there was almost this expectation that I would be making a lot of money once I graduated. That my life would be a lot easier with a degree and that I would be an example for the younger kids in my family.

I think that's what makes this pressure so intense. It's that it's silent and invisible. To any of my other first-gen students, you can see it in the excitement in people's eyes. The way they proudly talk about your degrees or how far you will go.

The thing is, I studied writing, counseling, and education. I didn't pick my degrees because I thought I would make a lot of money. I picked them because they made me happy and looking at QLQ now, I can see how everything I studied has led to this moment. But still, even 3 years after completing my master's degree, I feel this pressure to be successful. The pressure to be earning more money.

To be the person who's on track to make a lot of money, buy the house, drive the nice car. And to be honest with you, that's just not realistic with the salary I make. So I feel this constant pressure to keep up appearances. To pretend to be happier and more successful than I really feel. How could I say that a significant portion goes to my student loans and the credit card debt I stupidly mismanaged in my late teens and early twenties? How could I confess that having money alone did not fix my terrible relationship with money and my complete lack of financial literacy?

How could I say that my degrees did not save me from struggling or from the wage gap?

I suppose that's what this comes down to. It's about how I feel. Because if I were to take an unbiased look at my life, I would say that I am successful in many ways. But because I don't make a ton of money and still struggle with my finances at times (something I am glad to say is almost completely healed), I feel like a fraud. Like when my family talks about my degrees and my life, I'm just supposed to smile and say yeah, the 115 thousand dollars of debt I took on for my degrees was totally worth my 40k salary. If I were honest, I would say that I have my doubts.

I would say that I feel so much anger and resentment over the fact that I make half of what my white peers make, even when we have the same qualifications! I would shout out my raging fury and say fuck the idea that a college degree is an American dream. 

from the Pew Research Center on Racial and Gender Wage Gaps in the US (article linked at the end if you would like to learn more)

But I grit my teeth, put on a smile, and pretend that it was all worth it. The experience was worth it. Who I am now was worth it. Yet a little part of my soul dies every time someone holds the silent expectation that because I have two degrees, I must be financially successful in my career. 

I feel like their idea of success and my current reality of success are different things. Even as a coach, I hold this embarrassment for not making it further with my degrees. For not making enough to financially support my family. For not being financially literate and for not knowing about financial literacy early enough. Because if I was going to break the cycle of poverty, I not only need more money, I need to know how to manage money, and this is not something I learned from my family. I choose to take control of it now.

This is my story. These are my expectations and this is my perception of reality. I know this a story I have to dig deeper into and understand why this pressure exists and what expectations I have put on myself and how my life should be. Just a Monday reflection. 

Referenced article: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/07/01/racial-gender-wage-gaps-persist-in-u-s-despite-some-progress/

7 Lessons I've Learned From Building A Business in My 20's

Hello, My Beautiful Queen,

Okay, so I've been thinking about QLQ and my life. I love QLQ, but recently I've been feeling this call to go in a different direction. I am a coach and I will always teach those who feel the call how to master the creation of their reality and master their mindset. But every once in awhile, I feel this call to reconnect with my roots and just blog for the sake of blogging.

I am in my 20's and I've dedicated the majority of this decade of my life to personal growth and development. I knew that there were things that I wanted and in order to get there, I not only had to believe that I could have anything I wanted, but I also had to know how the fuck to create it. I've made it my mission to share with you the tips and tricks I've learned along the way. But now I want to share with you more of the stories and lessons. Today that means telling you the 7 things I have learned since starting my spiritual journey and mastering the creation of my own reality.

1. Your mindset and beliefs do fucking matter. Your brain will find ways to prove you right and it's important that you have control over what you believe. All this means is master your mindset, because you will attract and create what you believe you can. What you believe will influence how you show up. If you believe that you are a loser who can't do anything right, you will show up that way and attract experiences to match your belief. If you believe that life happens for you and what is meant for you cannot pass you, then you will show up in that way and draw positive experiences to you like a magnet.
2. Your body is just as important as your mental health. I run an online business and work as a digital nomad. Almost all of my work has to do with the mind, the spirit, and mindset. It can be all too easy to think that your body is not important only to wake up one day and realize that you take out all of your stress on your body. Yes, I'm talking about working from your bed, your only form of movement being the walk to your office desk (or dining room table), and mindlessly eating gummy candy as you work to meet a deadline. This will catch up with you and it truly does affect your mental health and eventually your spiritual well being. Your body deserves your attention and your love.
3. Yes, your growth will mean losing friendships. Your growth will trigger some people. It will force people to confront themselves in ways that they may not be ready to do. Some of your friends will grow with you, and some will walk away. But some friendships were only ever meant to last for a season and you will attract people at this new level of yourself. STOP HOLDING ON TO PEOPLE WHO WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE IN YOUR LIFE FOR A SEASON. Holding onto relationships that have come to their natural end only breeds resentment. And on that note, don't wish bad for anyone. You can love and appreciate a relationship for what it was and what it taught you and still let it go. Plus, this new version of yourself will attract new people and friendships that feel better with where you are.
4. Stop Being Risk-Averse. Nothing in life comes from your comfort zones and there is no guarantee that anything you do will work out the way you want. You are more resilient than you think and if you don't do it, you will always live with the regret of what if. Not being risk-averse doesn't mean you are reckless, it means you refuse to allow fear to limit you and believe in possibility and your own strength. 
5. Not all advice is good advice. People can only speak to you from their perception, their unchecked beliefs, and their understanding of how life works. Just because it worked or didn't work for someone else doesn't mean the same for you. At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you and there will come a day where you're going to have to make decisions that don't make sense to anyone but yourself. Be your own biggest fan. And stop looking to everyone else to have the answer. You will have to learn to trust yourself. 
6.  Fall in love with yourself. Life is a lot easier in many ways when you love and believe in yourself and when you trust your decisions. This is not arrogance. It's unconditional self-love, one of the highest vibrations you can be in.
7. Failure exists in your mind. Nothing is a failure until you label it one. You have to consciously decide that something has failed. Like most people, once you say you have failed, you shame yourself for it and allow fear to stop you in the future. Well, my love, the fear will always exist, but one day you'll be able to push past it with practiced ease. But you can't do that if you're constantly beating yourself up for every failure. Failure is a label. The best mindset shift you can work on is understanding that there are no failures. There are only lessons and each one of those lessons brings you closer to your desired outcome IF THAT IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE.

Did any of these resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below

Much Love, Always,

Shar

Why is Sticking to a Budget So Hard?

Hello, My Beautiful Queen,

I woke up in the middle of the night with this realization and just knew that this was something I wanted to write about. So, I grew up poor. My family did not have money and to be honest with you no one knew how to manage money. So when I grew up and decided that I wanted to change this pattern, it was something that I struggled with at first.

How do you invest? How do you negotiate a better salary? How do you stick with a budget? How do you make a budget work for you if you get paid biweekly? After years of mismanaging my money and expanding my wealth consciousness, these questions became super important to me.

Something I used to do a lot of until very recently was spend any money that I had. The money would come out of my account and I would have no idea on what days or for which subscriptions (hello overdraft). I wouldn't meal prep so I would spend money on breakfast and lunch every single weekday and then go out to happy hour with friends. Like girl, my food budget was 150 a month, and looking back now I can see that I was spending more like 300-450 a month on food! But believe it or not, I would still feel like I had money left over, so I would spend it and then complain about how I didn't have enough money to save.

Lesson 1: Don't live outside of your means
Lesson 2: If you don't keep track of your money it will disappear right before your eyes.

I knew that I was not handling money well, but I literally had no idea what the fuck it meant to manage money. I was confused and overwhelmed. But more recently I came to this mind-blowing realization.

My money did not have a purpose, so it always felt easy to spend. My employer contributed to my 401k automatically, so I wasn't saving for retirement. I honestly just didn't care about my credit (please don't do this!) and so long as I made my payments, I was fine. I'm not interested in owning a house, I could give two fucks about a car, I'm not the kind of person to care that much about having things. So, it made sense that almost all of the money I had went to quick experiences.

My money did not have a purpose, and so it was always so easy to spend. I was also scared of money, so I did not track it. I have learned a lot about money, but one of the most important lessons I have learned is that your money needs to have a purpose.

If it does not have a purpose, you will find that it is so easy for you to spend money. You hear that you should save your money, but it will be difficult for you to do that if you don't know what you are saving for.

If I could go back and tell myself anything about money, I would tell myself to make a budget, to live below my means, and to have a reason for saving!  I'm still deciding what I am saving for, but something about getting to decide what I am saving for makes it a lot more fulfilling to work on my finances, not just my money mindset.

Much Love, Always,

Sharlene

Learn to Push Past Your fears

Hello, My Beautiful Queen,

Face your fears head-on

We often vaguely think about the worst-case scenario and allow our fear to grow to the point of overwhelm

But my favorite questions are what’s the worst that can happen and what’s the best that can happen? Balance, you know? As our minds tend to focus shallowly on one and not at all about the other. In this post let’s focus on the worst that can happen. We are confronting fear after all

I want you to track that worst-case scenario all the way through. Let it snowball. Get intimate with the details. Keep going until you fully understand the worst-case and what you would do should it come to that. Yes, you will be hella uncomfortable doing this

Ex. when I was first deciding whether or not I would quit my job

Well, I could launch and the course wouldn’t sell

In which case I would reflect and be sad and launch again

And that could fail too and I would do the same thing until I was tired and discouraged

Eventually, I’d run out of money and I would get evicted and not be able to pay my bills

I would cut my loses, get a job and either move back home or get a cheaper apartment

I would have to have really embarrassing conversations about how I fucked in my finances chasing a dream

Then I would take the lessons I learned, apply them to my life and know myself even better than I would have otherwise

And I would recover just a little wiser than I was before

Then I would learn, fine-tune my approach and try again until it fucking worked

See once we track the worst case, we’re able to understand what we are TRULY afraid of. And let me tell you years of experience has taught me that the first fear we see is not truly the root of the issue—something I recently taught in one of my courses

But we get caught up in that first fear and refuse to look beyond the surface. Either because we don’t know any better or because or we’re too scared to look—it’s usually the latter btw

What I want to share with you is that confronting your fears will provide you with profound insight. If I hadn’t confronted my fear of quitting my job, I would have never learned that I wasn’t afraid of not having money (how the fear presented itself), I was afraid of judgment and looking/feeling irresponsible and ashamed

Once you look fear in the eye and realize you can recover from your worst case, it stops being as scary. ESPECIALLY if you combine what you have learned about yourself from exploring that fear with inner work

That doesn’t mean you’re never afraid, but it does mean that fear has less power over you. And that my love is the end goal because untamed fear will absolutely fuck up your life.

Fear is a natural emotion and it serves its purpose. I will never preach to you the idea that you can completely get rid of fear. But I will tell you that you can absolutely reach the point where the fear no longer stops you. Where you feel the fear and do the damn thing anyway.

Much Love, Always,

Shar

The Role of Shame and Moving Through It

Good Morning My Beautiful Queens,

Happy Wednesday! Okay so a lot is going on in my world, but I want to talk to you about personal growth (duh). Like most people, I am quarantined and while I thought I knew myself very well, I found that there is a new level of awareness when you are forced to be in your house and have very little chance to speak with anyone.

It is Cancer season my darlings, which also means heightened emotions. This is coming up for me and I am doing my best to learn and grow through the difficult emotions. Something in particular that is coming up for me is Shame. Now if you know me, you know that I don't believe any emotion is negative, but shame is a particularly shitty emotion and I do believe it is negative because it comes from societal conditioning. But I digress.

Because regardless of whether or not I think shame is a negative emotion, it is serving a purpose in my life and in my business. The shame is coming from my shadow self, which tells me that it is time to confront her. I've been working with shadow for a while now, and I can tell you that it is not easy work, but it is also some of the most healing work I have ever done.

I am still in the process of understanding my shadow. Although it is Summer, I would say that the season of my life I am in is late fall. It is a time for introspection, setting goals, and better understanding. I am still growing through this phase, but that's where I am right now.

Just an honest and brief life update.

Much Love, Always,

Shar