It is What It Is: When to Stop Questioning and Enjoy the Now

Hello Queen,

Today, I want to be real with you. I have been feeling super hype lately. I just turned 24 and I think this is one of the few birthdays that I actually feel my age. By this I mean that I feel like I have come into myself. This past year has challenged me to not only learn more about myself in a variety of contexts, but also to be comfortable with who I am at all times. More specifically, I see a lot of opportunities in my life and I am pursuing ventures and activities that at one point scared the shit out of me.

The jarring thing is that it feels like this came on quite suddenly. Obviously, I have been getting more comfortable with myself (and therefore more confident) gradually as I've put in the time to change my mindset. While I have noticed these small changes in myself and have been really happy when I realized that I was feeling so much better, this sudden change to absolute confidence (in most cases) has felt rather abrupt.

It's just like there was this switch. One minute I was striving to be my best self  and the next I was her. I mentioned in my most recent blog post that I think it's a bit fucked up that I am so suspicious of this confidence, but assured you that it was okay to celebrate this.

However, I want to take you one step deeper. Given my history, I wondered if I was channeling someone else. I questioned if I was being Sharlene or if I was being the Sharlene I thought I should be (as opposed to the one I want to be). I wondered if I was riding some kind of bizarre high or if I was subconsciously overcompensating for some feelings of vulnerability that I was refusing to acknowledge.

So, while I celebrated and gave thanks for this amazing mood, I also made sure to frequently check in with myself to make sure I wasn't trying to bury some shit under layers of positive confidence (experience has taught me that what you push down comes back up in some fucking ugly ways). But, I want to note that I did not obsess over this. I just let the curiosity sit in myself and noticed whatever came up.

I came to the conclusion that the confidence I was feeling was genuine, and while I was feeling vulnerable in some arenas of my life, I was not trying to bury it behind confidence. I was not pretending to be anyone, I just stepped into the best version of me. I leveled up.

But I want to tell you what I realized and why I was questioning myself so hard (in hopes that it may help any of you who are struggling with an up level). I have spent the past year working on my mindset. I put everything into my development and to developing habits that would best help me become the best version of me. I spent the past year fucking questioning myself (with fantastic results)! I redefined my life, myself and my beliefs by questioning where I was at, where I wanted to go, what was holding me back, what I wanted to change, what I wanted to keep, why I was feeling ac certain way, if it was true etc... So no freaking duh that when I encountered what I thought was a sudden change, I questioned myself.

Instead of seeing this for the positive change that it was, I regarded it with questioning and suspicion. And that brings me to what I want to end this blog post with. My queen, I am all for self-exploration, but sometimes it's time to stop questioning yourself. Yes, grow and approach life with curiosity, but you don't need to be suspicious of every change that comes your way. I firmly believe that things come to you as you are meant to have them, so enjoy them! Trust me babe, you have fucking earned it.

Until next time!

The Confidence that Comes With Mindset Work

Hello Queen,

I have been doing some serious thought work. I feel like I'm in a place in my life where I feel very comfortable with what I am doing and how my career is going. I'm happy with all of the ways I am pushing myself to explore the things that I am uncomfortable with and grow as a person as a result. But of course, healing is a journey, so I found myself half asleep last night and wondering if I was feeling anxious because I was not being true to myself.

To provide some context, I've been feeling pretty confident and truly handling things like a boss. Sometimes I even found myself if I was feeling too confident because I've also expressed by opinions exactly as they are and stopped giving a shit what anyone thought. I felt like a giant and like with any extreme, I asked myself where that was coming from. For me, it's so important to ask that because I know that I inflate my ego and confidence levels when I am feeling the most insecure.

To be clear, I love being confident and don't believe there's anything wrong with it, but I do think (for me anyway) that being fake confident only prevents you from doing the inner work to get to true confidence. Fake it till you make it only works for so long. You can't fake it for the rest of your life because the point is that you want to FEEL this way, not pretend that you do.

But when I asked myself what I was feeling insecure about, I found that it was very little and the same things I am usually insecure about (weight, imposter syndrome, reaching my full potential etc...). So, the inflated sense of confidence was coming from somewhere else.

And that's when it hit me. Why am I so suspicious of confidence? Why do I find it so hard to believe that I just genuinely feel confident in myself? I had to be honest with myself and say that I had spent so long faking confidence (or even bordering on arrogance) that the thought of me being truly self-assured was shocking. Here's what I want to tell you.

I have spent the last several years (and more intensely this past year) working on better understanding myself and how I operate. I put in the work to change my mindset and love myself as I am. I put in the effort to become the creator of my reality my getting clear on what I wanted, getting out of my own way and fucking trusting that things would always work out in my best interest.

2018 was the year that I truly understood that we are all spiritual beings having human experiences so why the heck am I wasting time stressing over things that are absolute specks of dust in the universe? The point for me is to have fun and go after the things I want with curiosity. So, when I aligned with the best version of myself (who is confident and self-assured), I really questioned if I was being myself or if I was channeling someone else.

To wrap up this episode of Shar's selfish time, I want you to know that the moment you realize you are the best version of you, celebrate it, even when it feels jarring. Because girl, you DID THAT!

Until next time, Queen!

Honesty Hour: What's it Like to Run a Personal Development Blog?

Hello my queens!

I have to tell you something that I have been thinking about quite a lot these last few days. It's not a secret that I have been thinking of ways to expand Quarter-Life Queen and bring value to you all in different ways. I have been taking my interest in being a business woman more seriously, defining what running a business means to me and working on my business mindset. With that came thoughts about how to expand the QLQ queendom.

Maybe I've just been reading too many self-help/business books (definitely), but I have been struggling with the idea of adding value. I so deeply believe that there is value in sharing your story as it is. I believe there is value in being vulnerable and inviting others to connect with you on those experiences. But, I spend so much time in the personal development world (of course, QLQ is a personal development blog), that I wonder if I should be adding value in different ways--particularly when it comes to my writing.

Which brings us to the point of this post. One of the biggest struggles of running a personal development blog is putting out "high-value" content. I feel the external (and arguably perhaps non-existent) pressure to produce content with specific, concise advice for dealing with every situation in life. The idea behind personal development is that I give you some tools and resources to continue to develop.

However, this has also been conflicting with my desire to just share my life with you as it is. I don't want to preach to you, nor do I want to give you advice on subject areas which I have only begun to scratch the surface on. If I want to be real honest with you, I would also want you to know that part of this internal conflict comes from both comparing my blog with other blogs and with the fear that I am not doing enough.

The very first day I started this blog, I vowed to be honest. I was frustrated by the circumstances in my life and what I felt was a glossing over what it actually takes to get to success. I wanted to share my journey with you as it plays out. I guess for me, that's going to have to mean silencing the advice of other people on what my blog should be, or what my posts should like (notice I did not say ignore). And although there is anxiety that the gray area in which quarter-life queen exists will leave me stagnant, I must bravely move forward anyway. And to every other queen out there dealing with the fear that the content they put out is not high value enough, I encourage you to keep it moving as you see fit. Trust that what you feel called to do and how you feel called to do it is enough.

Until next time!

What if I don't want to be a full-time entrepreneur?

Hello Queens!

Let me start this post off with a story time. So, I went to a work conference last week. I learned my lesson from my first conference and removed the pressure for me to attend everything. Instead, I went to the things that I wanted to go to and took me time whenever I got overwhelmed. This made the conference extremely enjoyable and allowed me to authentically connect with those in the same field.

Upon my return to home, I was doing a reiki healing session. I invited any unspoken thoughts or unexpressed feelings to present themselves. I did this while I was half asleep because I find that this is a time when my mind is not blocked by my consciousness. By which I mean, I am more easily able to access my subconscious beliefs. So, here's what came up. On one path, I could see my business and I could see all that it could be. I felt light and happy even when I acknowledged what I was afraid (who am I to attempt to start a business in the work of mindset). On the other path, I saw myself as a director and I could see how easy it would be to climb the ladder and become an authority in the field. I saw all that I could be in this field of work and I saw the steps I had to take to get there. Then, the panic set in, because which fucking path do I choose? If I am happy in both realities, which reality do I go with.

Very quickly I realized that I was yet again making the world black and white. This time, it was enforced by the false dichotomy of employee or entrepreneur. Conventional wisdom says that you should be striving to make your side hustle a full-time business. If you're serious about your business you would do it full time and all that. Well, I have to call bullshit at least for me. I love QLQ and all that it stands for. I am so passionate about what I do for QLQ and about what I do at work.

Ultimately, I never intended to work full-time in business. I do it for the love of doing it, plus the best version of me only works 4-5 hours a day MAX in her business. That being said, I have decided that I am allowed to both love my job and love my business. I am allowed to want to do both and doing both says absolutely nothing about how committed I am to either.

So, for my mulit-passionate queen, I wish to assure you that you can fucking have it all. Don't feel pressured to pick one or the other unless you want to! As always, I hope you enjoyed this post. Now go on with your best self.

Until next time.

Setting Professional Boundaries

Hello Queen!

It is a gorgeous brisk day here in Pennsylvania. There is a threat of snow and I am high-key hoping that the office will be closed tomorrow because your girl needs a fucking break. Which brings me to the point of this blog post. Work place stress and overwhelm.

I feel this is a double edged sword because on one hand the additional work indicates that people trust you to do the job well and really helps you with the resume. In a lot of ways, the additional work is helpful in positioning for success. But then there's the part of you that is human and can't fucking do it all. For me, it's hard to say no because I love what I do so much, because I see the work is needed and because I see how this additional work will help me get far in my career.

Me contemplating life and adulthood on my commute 

At the same time, I have to learn how to respect myself and my boundaries in the work place. My ability to do my job well is extremely limited if I constantly feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. If I'm twitching every time I think about any task, then there is clearly a problem. So, I did what I always do, and that is research. I asked people in the field how they deal with workplace stress; I read articles and blog posts; I reached out to professional associations and listened to podcasts. Most importantly, I looked at all of this in the context of my workplace and my workplace culture. I want to give you a summary of what resonated most with me.

1. A boundary is not about changing another person's behavior. It's about understanding yourself and what you will not accept. It's about creating space for you to live and work comfortably. 
2. You have to know when it is time for you to set a boundary. Here are the three emotions that let you know it's time to set a boundary. Anxiety, resentment, sadness or guilt. If you feel any of these things then it's time for you to analyze what is causing the feeling and what you are willing to do about it. 
3. Boundaries don't work unless you are willing to enforce them. Again, you are not trying to change another persons behavior. You are just making it clear what you will and will not accept for your own sanity. For me, this is especially hard because how do you respectfully and maturely enforce a boundary in the workplace? This can be made especially harder if you are new in the field and don't want to jeopardize your chance for growth or create unneeded tension in the workplace. 
4. Boundaries are about respect for yourself. There is no shame in setting a workplace boundary and it is completely necessary. Trust me, setting the boundary is a lot more comfortable than having a mental break down in front of all your coworkers. 
5. You don't have to set all of your boundaries at once--especially if this is a new and uncomfortable experience for you--set the boundary around the issue that is bothering you the most and then work your way from there. 

Well that's all queen. A bit of a break from the entrepreneurial and mindset work, because I am coming to realize that it is okay to love your job and your business. 

Until next time!

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3 Tips for Managing Anxiety and Catastrophizing

Hello Queen!

I have always vowed to be open and honest with you all on here. I never wanted to project the image that my life was perfect. For me, that also means telling you where I am struggling. This past few days I have been struggling with my mental health.

Like, I was just walking to the train station on my way to work and I started crying (actually tears, looking like a mess crying) because I remember a music video where they killed this girls dog. Then I remembered that a little kid hurt his little chin. Then I felt guilty because I had to go back home for work and I just wanted to be around my friends and family. I just started to feel overwhelmed and like I was missing the most important parts of life. I was an emotional wreck which wasn't helped by the fact that I was dealing with work stress.

I can't remember if I ever said this, but I struggled with an anxiety disorder for a huge chunk of my life. Thankfully, I have mostly overcome this and it had been two years since I had a big panic attack and I suddenly found myself panicking.

While this post is about being real with you and saying sometimes life is hard even when it feels like everything is going right, it's also about telling you what I wish I would accept.

I don't need to tell you when you are in the space where everything feels like it's happening at one time and you can't get your mind to shut up, that it's hard to keep perspective.

1. Just because you are anxious now does not mean that anxiety has to be a key part of your identity or that you will ALWAYS feel anxious. Anxiety is not your emotional home, so just allow yourself to move through it. 
2. Anxiety is a natural response to stress. Don't judge yourself for being human and having a human response. You being angry or stressed about your stress won't make you less anxious. Yes, I know that sometimes you can't help it, especially when you are in the thick of it, but I encourage you to just allow yourself to sit with your emotion without judging them or trying to fix them. 
3. It's never that serious. What feels like will probably kill you now, won't. Keep perspective and realize as difficult as this state is, it is also temporary. A really helpful tip that I learned from the unfuck your brain podcast is to play your worst case scenarios all the way out. I know that when I get anxiety my brain obsesses over the worst part. It's like shit hits the fan, the world ends and you die. For most of us and most situations, death is not the outcome. If you're panicking or feeling overwhelmed about a situation take your mind to the very end. You lose your job, you don't get the raise, you have to manage everything by yourself and then what? I find that this tip is also really helpful for keeping perspective.  

So, while I know this logistically the anxiety that I am having is temporary, when you are in it it's hard to keep that perspective. I personally become very focused on me and even tasks that I know will help me become impossible to focus on. So, I tell you these things both as a reminder to myself and to you that you will and can get through it.

Until next time!

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Share your thoughts on what QLQ should bring out in 2019

On the Importance of Energetic Boundaries

Hello Queens!

Can you believe that it is November already?! It's hard for me to conceptualize that 2018 is already almost over, but then I remember that time is an illusion. So, in preparation for the end of the year, I have been getting clear on how I want to end the year, what I am still working on, what I don't want to bring with me in 2019 and what I do want for 2019. While that sounds like a lot, it does just boil down to this: I want to make sure that I am aligned with my best self. That means identifying any limiting beliefs that I have and doing my best to rewrite them, and thinking deeply about any fears that I have and turning those fears into strengths. It also means being honest with myself about where in my life I tend to quit. It also means getting super clear on what I want my future to look like and who future me really is.

How I'm trying to enter 2019 with less sass and all the glam

The reason that I say it's so simple is that what that all boils down to is I want to work on my mindset and strengthen my spirituality. That's it. So, why am I telling you this? Because while I work on all of this, my life doesn't stop. I still get to go to work in the morning, I'm still working on a million different projects and making time for the people that I care about in my life. At times it can be really difficult to make time for the activities and exercises I know I need to do to accomplish the last of my 2018 goals and go into 2019 like a boss. I have to make space for these things and when you feel overwhelmed or deprived it's hard to do so.

But, here's the thing. I so believe that you can't give from an empty cup. I don't believe in sacrificing your sanity and your growth for the sake of others. And here's why. The world needs you to be the best version of yourself. I find that when I give my energy and there is nothing left to give that I end up giving with resentment. The energy and time and love that I give are not as powerful as they could be because I am not giving myself the time to recuperate.

I am learning that everything is energy, so I do make an effort to ensure that the energy I put out is a positive and cleansing one, and not drops of whatever is left from me overextending myself. You know, I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post was. I think I just need to share this with you. As always, thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope that you enjoyed.

Until next time, Loves!

Identity, Internal Beliefs and Making Change

Good Morning, My Loves!

As you may know, I’ve been working on my sense of worth. Last year and parts of this year were extremely challenging in terms of finances. I am so happy to say that I am all caught up with everything and no longer struggle to pay any of my bills. However, imagine my horror when the feelings of anxiety only lessened but didn’t go away. All this time I thought I was stressed because I was struggling to pay my bills. I am infinitely grateful that I am out of that part of my life now and am grateful for what it taught me about myself and my mind set. Out of that dark place came Quarter life Queen, so I can’t be too mad.

So, last night was the full moon (although sad face I couldn’t see it). And with the realization that while I return to happiness and peace every day, I also return to anxiety, fear and anger. With that in mind, I set my intention to get to the root of this. I’ve touched on limiting beliefs before, but this was different because I was getting to my subconscious identity. What’s the saying? You’re not the belief, you are the believer of the beliefs.

I asked the universe to show me my identity and it came through. And I’m telling you, it was a breakthrough like nothing else. There were lots of things that were part of my subconscious identity that I was just like wow, I can’t believe this became part of me, but I want to talk to you about the big one. Ready?

My identity said you are a person who must overcome adversity and problems because it makes you a stronger and more worthwhile person. The more you overcome, the better you understand yourself and the stronger your spirit gets.

My connection with the universe immediately said and this is why you feel anxious and afraid. Your subconscious identity keeps looking for a problem to overcome because you believe it contributes to your worth. Let this go.

I was like damn, girl. But it made a lot of sense because much to my anger and stress, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just feel safe. Well, now I know.

I wrote a post earlier about when I first found out that shifting my thoughts and beliefs alone wouldn’t make the kind of massive changes I was looking for. While I’ve been very successful in changing many aspects of my identity and live a better life for it, this is the part of my identity that I struggled the most with because it was in conflict with what I consciously thought and believed.

Well, that is all, Queen, I just wanted to give you some insight into something I am dealing with and how I got to the root of it. I hope you enjoyed this post and that you found it helpful.

Until next time!