Why Happiness Is My Default

Hello Queen!

You may be reading this to yourself and going, huh? I mean, this blog is all about balance and mindset and allowing yourself to be a person. Yet, here I am telling you that happiness is default (which worked beautifully as an affirmation for me). Give me a second to explain.

Our culture in general promotes happiness and positivity. For obvious reasons, as those are pleasant feelings to feel and really do change the way you view your life and your life circumstances. I do believe in the power of positive thinking and mindset. But, I don't believe in choosing happiness at the expense of numbing all of your other emotions, or worse at the expense of beating yourself up when you feel any emotion that's not traditionally positive.

So, why am I sitting here telling you that happiness is my default? Well, because I definitely have periods of time when I am funk (sometimes for weeks at a time). During those periods it can be all too easy to unintentionally start believing that I am sadness, or that I am anger, or that I am anxiety. When you are lost in those dark times when it feels like you're just drowning and trying to make it to the next day, it is hard to remember a time when you felt happiness (heavy, I know).

Honestly, Chandelier is such a beautiful, sad song. I am also completely fine, loves! I actually am in a beautiful place.

But, an amazing hack that I found was to make one of my core beliefs that happiness is my default. Because if happiness is my default, then it means that all of the other emotions that are filling me with doubt and heaviness are temporary (as are all emotions). If happiness is my default, then it means that I will eventually return to happiness. 'm not telling you to force happiness (again, I encourage you to allow yourself to be a person with the full spectrum of emotions)! This tip and mindset has worked so incredibly well for me, so I had to tell you this! It's quite simple,but I do hope that it helps you if you feel like happiness is just a distant memory (I really hope that's not the case).

Let me also just take this second to tell you something exciting! I am working on a massive project that I believe with every fiber of my being will help you step into your power. But, I'm giving first access to my Epiphany community. So, if you're not on the list, I would like to welcome you to join now. Hope to see you there, babe!

Until next time

6 Limiting Beliefs Around Owning and Running A Business: Expanding the QLQ team

Hello Queen,

I have to tell you that right now I am just about on the verge of a panic attack. Why? Because I finally decided to step into the role of an entrepreneur and am taking the steps that 7 figure me would take. IE spending money in my business. I have to tell you that the game becomes so much scarier when you invest money in your business. Why? Because I have skin in the game. I am still working on rewiring my stories around limiting business and what it means to own a business. The scary thing is that I didn't even consciously know that I had these beliefs, but it explains why I have been so reluctant to call myself a businesswoman (even as I claimed the desire to own an empire). I also believe in letting you see me as I am, so allow me to tell you some of the stories around business that were wreaking silent havoc in my head. Let me know if any of these sound familiar to you.

1. Business is hard
2. 95 percent of business fail and ruin the lives of their founders with countless debt
3. Selling is dishonest and inauthentic
4. Business requires sacrifice of most of the things that make life worth living
5. Business is a popularity contest
6. The way to avoid real disaster in your business is to not put any money into because the chances of getting it back are nearly impossible. 

Girl, let me tell you that it's the last one that is really trying to kick my ass right now. I am by no means rich at all, but I refuse to operate my business from my current circumstances because my current circumstance are not where I want my business to be. It's a big time for Quarter-Life Queen not only because it is our one year anniversary soon, but because I am expanding and looking for more ways to connect with you queens on a different level. 

I just hired someone to create a Quarter-Life Queen logo and while not expensive, the idea that I just hired someone is fucking scary. Scarcity mindset me is like what are you doing?? It's playing doomsday music and scenarios insisting that I had the skills to do this on my own. It's fucking terrifying because I've also just come out of being flat ass broke and the conservative fearful part of me wants to retreat into her shell and hide (never mind the fact that the voice does not speak up when I am spending money on clothes, shoes, food or experiences. It's just the fact that it is a business investment that makes it so scary). You can read more about expecting to fail here :). 

But here's the thing that I've realized. I can't do it all alone and I wouldn't want to. Sure, I could create my own logo, but that would require hours of learning graphic design that I just don't want to spend time on (not my zone of genius). Plus, what successful business has the owner and CEO doing everything? I just want to be able to build this as feels good to me. I want to focus on connection with you all and not all of the back end stuff that I really don't know much about. Remember my entrepreneurial queen, you did not start a business so you could spend your entire life in it. You are not an employee. 

But, I digress. Home girl is like AHH!! 

My ego having a panic attack as I start to take my goals seriously. 

It's fucking terrifying to spend money on a logo. I can't imagine how scary it's going to be to hire an assistant (again, stemming from my fear of actually starting a business). And you know what? It's okay to be scared. Fear is a natural response. The important part is that I am still taking action. So, I will treat myself with kindness as I learn how to shift my beliefs around business, what it means to be a business and how to invest in my business. 

Until next time!

Is there such thing as too much self-help?

Hello Queens,

To be honest with you, I am writing this post ahead of time because I am currently feeling so inspired. So, lol I don’t even know what week it is when you are reading this. Is it Halloween yet? If so, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! As the year comes to a close I find myself feeling both proud of how far I have come and confused as to where the heck the year went. I accomplished a lot of what I set out to accomplish, but I also feel like there is so much more to do and I am putting a lot of pressure on myself (I am working on alleviating this by giving myself permission to lower the expectations for myself. I really don’t need to do it all).

I am determined to enter 2019 as the absolute best version of myself and I am doing that by reading as many personal development books as I can and applying what I learn immediately in my life. In part, because I hope this will be the change that I am looking for and in fear that not applying what resonated with me just means that I wasted my time. But, here’s the thing that I’ve only just recently come to ask myself.

Do I really understand what I am applying? Have I given myself the time to truly understand what I have learned and how it applies to me before I clumsily implement it in my life and eagerly move on to the next book/lesson?

Sadly, the answer was that I was just jumping from one thing to the next. I applied things to my life only to realize later that I didn’t fully understand that lesson or action in the first place. And that just means that I probably caused myself more harm in my misguided attempt to be a better me (because some part of me believes that I am not enough as I am).

So, while there are so many amazing books that are coming out that I want to read (not only for myself but for a sneaky project I am working on for all of you), I don’t need to read them all right now. I have come to understand that it is better for me to understand what I have learned and then apply it. I don’t always need to apply what I have learned immediately. I don’t always need to take action right away. Sometimes it’s better to let things absorb. I also had to confront the fact that somewhere along the way, I became a self-help junkie. I don’t know how to stop because I love personal development (hello, QLQ is a personal development blog), lol but I will tell you how this new plan of mine works out. For now, I silence my inner book worm who is desperate to read it all and I embrace the curiosity within myself. It’s time to do some more work about why I feel the need to constantly be better than who I was yesterday.

Until next time!

Social Media, Comparisonitis and Feelings of Failure

Hello Queens,

Ugh, I can’t even tell you how nice it is to be back in the normal rhythm of things and just talk to you all about what’s going in life. As cheesy as it is, I have to say that I value this connection that we all have (the connection of shared understanding of experience). But enough of the mush, today I want to get real with you. I want to tell you why I have really taken a step back from Quarter-Life Queen (more of the backend of operations and not so much this blog).

The first week of November will mark the one year anniversary of QLQ. I am so infinitely proud and happy that I have not only passionately stuck with this for the year, but that I have expanded it in so many ways. Quarter-Life Queen has not only allowed me to connect with you all on a deeper level, it has allowed me to transform my life, redefine my dreams, identify my purpose and go after my ideal life with all of my heart. Through Quarter-Life Queen (and all of you) I am the best version of myself that I have ever been and I have become so confident in a multitude of ways.

But, I’m a person. I am a millennial woman in the digital age where I am constantly surrounded by the highlight reels of everyones lives. I got caught in the numbers and in other people’s success. I got distracted by number of followers, brand deals, number of engagement, sales, product design, profit margins etc.. I got down in the dumps because I focused on everyone else’s accomplishments. Instead of acknowledging how far Quarter-Life Queen has come, I focused on how far everyone else has gone.

Because of that, all I could think was why isn’t this bigger? What am I doing wrong? Should I be selling? How did these people get so many followers? Why do I care about the numbers? Round and round my head went. The more I thought about other people’s success, the more I felt like my own accomplishments were absolutely meaningless in comparison (hey, I said full honesty here).

In the words of Cara Alwill Leyba, I took my eyes off my own paper. I tied my worth to the popularity of QLQ and blinded myself to the fact that I don’t do this for the number or the money. I do this because I believe in the value of open expression of story. I do this for all of you who need to hear an honest exploration of life as a confused post-grad who is determined to live her best life. I do this because I want all of you to live of your own design, not the life that you were told you should want.

Comparison is a natural instinct. We all want to fit in. We all want to belong because not belonging would have probably meant death for our ancestors. That being said, it has never been easier to compare your own life to the projection that people put out there. I’m not claiming that anyone is being dishonest (and I would never as judgment is against one of my core values—again, i’m not perfect). But I had to learn the hard way that I don’t know people’s hardships. I also had to acknowledge that the comparisonitis that was making me feel so terrible about myself was stemming from a scarcity mindset.

Someone else’s success, must mean my failure because there is only so much success to go around. My queen, this is completely false. There is more than enough for everyone to be successful. And only you can define what success means to you.

So, please celebrate yourself and always remember all of your accomplishments mean something because of the way they make you feel. Don’t be afraid to celebrate yourself and what you have done.

Until next time my loves

Why Am I Afraid of Success?

Hello Queens,

I hope you’re all having a fabulous day. Today, I want to give you insight to a belief that is taking me so long to overcome (seriously, it’s been almost a year). So, you may have read the title and said to yourself, "who’s afraid of success?" or you might have said: "yes! Someone who understands". Either way, I want to tell you why I find success so scary.

Okay, so when I started Quarter-Life Queen, I was broke, unemployed and in a mass amount of debt. I felt like shit and overall really just wanted to curl up into a ball. But, I did the exact opposite of what my feelings were telling me to do. I followed my intuition and started this blog. I put myself in the spotlight and let the world see me as I am (even the most vulnerable parts of myself).

However, as I did this I also had to confront the fear that shouted the loudest. I was convinced that being successful was not something that I wanted. In my mind success meant countless hours of work, immense stress and perhaps an early death by heart attack. Immense success meant the return of my anxiety and perhaps addiction as I leaned on drugs, alcohol and sex to numb the stress of running a must-billion dollar empire. Where did I learn this? From media of course! How many TV shows and movies depict the successful business tycoon whose life is a giant fucking mess? How many celebrities end up in rehab? How much research is there on kids from rich families who end up heavily involved in cocaine and the drug word? In my mind success meant having a lot of money but ultimately leading a meaningless life that I need to escape from at risk of my own health and well being.

But then there was the other perceived component of success that I was afraid of. Success also meant social isolation. It meant the spotlight, which meant more haters and people just saying absolutely nasty things about me. It meant a life of constant judgement, constantly needing to prove that I was a good person and that I was worthy of the success that I had. How many immensely wealthy and successful people do media and society absolutely tear apart? The focus is more often on the ways that they are human and fuck up, than on all of the good they do in their everyday lives. Worse yet, an action of good that is done is seen as a publicity stunt rather than the person using their status and wealth to advocate for an issue that they care deeply about. It was clear to me that to be successful was also to be more hated than loved.

But, I’m not done. Because I am also a woman. And the successful women that are portrayed in media are portrayed as cold hearted bitches married to their job and without a fuck given to any other aspect of their lives. They are flat, one dimensional beings with an almost robotic dedication to their jobs. Work/life balance for a successful woman? Friends and family? Nah sis, doesn’t exist for the successful woman.

So, is it any wonder that myself and so many other women find successful so utterly terrifying? Run the business of my dream and still live a happy and fulfilled life full of love and connection? No, that’s not possible so I may as well give up on my dreams, became a global wall flower and stay nice and hidden where it’s safe.

But here’s the thing, I choose to take action in spite of my fear. I trust that I will remain the same good person that I am because that is who I have always been. I trust that I would stay so dedicated to my growth because I always have. The friends and family that I have and stay committed to won’t go away. Success doesn’t have to mean changing who I am. It doesn’t have to mean giving up on meaningful connection with others and it doesn’t mean living for my job.

One, only I can define what success means to me. Two, I go after my dreams and my business because I believe that there is someone, somewhere who needs to hear the message that I put out. I believe in my purpose. As I said at the beginning of this post, I am still working on this belief. There are still projects that I back away from because I know it will be immensely successful and that’s still scary! But at least now, I know the root of the fear and I can work to change those roots to create a new empowering belief.

I hope you enjoyed this honest exploration loves!

Until next time.

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Is Failure Inevitable?

Hello Queens,

Okay, is anyone else as excited for Halloween as I am?! I already have all of my costumes planned out and I am just so happy that it is fall. I don’t know, just something about this season makes me feel so happy. Anyway, I want to tell you about this amazing experience that I had.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, know that I go through phases where I am absolutely adoring someone or something in the field. I think it’s safe to say that Manifestation Babe has been my longest obsession, and it’s for a reason! I haven’t had so many breakthroughs since I read You are a Badass at Making Money by Jen Sincero (the book that started it all). So, I was just on my train ride listing to a Manifestation Babe Podcast episode, when something that Kathrin said hit me so hard.

I already know that I am working through a fear of success. But, I didn’t also realizing that at the same time that I feared success, I also braced myself for failure. I do believe that my success is inevitable, but I also learned to believe that so is failure. I believed that in order to be successful, I also had to fail. But not only did I have to fail, I had to be prepared to fail often (more often than I succeeded) and to fail big.

Where did this belief come from? It came from “conventional wisdom.” The rhetoric that says those who are successful have also failed in incredibly painful ways (and hence they are somehow more worthy of success because of it). While I don’t deny that failure is part of the process, I realized that there’s a big difference between that and expecting to fail.

I can’t believe I carried the expectation of failure within me for so long! Of course my business isn’t where I want it to be! I’m afraid to succeed, so I’m not really going after the things that scare me, but I also expect to fail, so what I do go after doesn’t really work because I don’t expect it to! A deadly combination of playing small and extremely limiting beliefs.

So, I ask you, do you expect to fail? What projects or actions have you taken that you subconsciously expected not to succeed? Are you prepared to fail?

And to myself, I say that expecting the worst is not a form of humbleness. It’s just a fancy cage I put my dreams in. So today, I choose to dream big and to dream unrestricted.

I hope that this post was at least somewhat coherent and that you enjoyed the break from the novels I have been writing.

Until next time loves!

Building healthier relationships

Hello Queens,

It is a brisk October morning here in the northeast. I have to be honest and say that I am having one of those days where everything is testing my patience and I am judging everyone. I decided to come to Starbucks to get some work done as I am still waiting on my office desk for apartment and the only surface for me to work on in my apartment is my bed. But, the cashier was very confused by my simple order of tea (like seriously, hot water and throw the tea bag in it). Then, the wifi wouldn’t work on my laptop, so I said okay, annoying, but i’ll type in word, only to find that I was logged out of word and I can’t reset the password because I don’t have any internet. So, that leads us to this point where I am now typing this post on my notes in my laptop. As angry as I am, I also know that I am the creator of my reality and I am choosing to be upset. While I don’t control the things that are making me angry, I do control my reactions. Ultimately, I am the one subconsciously deciding to have a bad morning. 

But, I digress. The point of this post is not for me to rant about my day, but to bring you information I have been thinking about. In this case, I am thinking about mindset (what else is new?). I am continuing to read the seven habits of highly effective people, and I encountered this startling belief/mindset of mine. I have a lose/win mentality. I have often discussed the struggles of being an empath, but I’ve never given much thought to how this ability impacts my interactions with others. What I have been labeling as empathy (which I consider a positive thing) also has a very negative side effect. 

I’m so eager to please people (or more accurately, avoid arguments because I freaking hate confrontation), that I will just yield to others. I don’t express an opinion about what I want to do and avoid expressing my truest self because I don’t want to start an argument by disagreeing. I can’t claim to be a therapist, but I found this behavior so disturbing to me because it says that I care more about keeping the peace than honestly expressing myself. And at the root of that is the subconscious belief that I am somehow not enough or that people will not agree with me because my interests, perspectives and beliefs are so unique (hello entitlement). Which lead me to the question: When did I start to believe that I was not enough as I was? When did it become more important to fit in then it was to express all aspects of myself? When did I learn to tie my feeling of worth to being well liked by others? How could I expect to be comfortable as a businesswoman, when I’m not comfortable with all of myself?

The important distinction to make here is that I’ve never lied about who I was. I never pretended to be anyone that I wasn’t, but I have held parts of myself back. Is it any wonder that I have been feeling so out of alignment? As I explore all aspects of my life where I have unintentionally (or very intentionally) established a lose/win mentality, I would love for you to join me on this journey of self-exploration. Are there areas in your life where you have been willing to lose so someone else would be happy? When have you given up the fight before it even started?

To be clear, I know that fighting and arguing are completely energetically draining. I’m not encouraging you to fight every battle (because some are just not worth your time/energy/attention), but, which battles have you backed away from that deep down you really cared about? What have you stayed quiet about in favor of preserving a relationship? 

Admittedly this was a very heavy post (probably riddled with my own frustration), but I do believe in letting you all see me as I am because I refuse to paint the picture that my life is perfect (or awful) and that I am always 100 percent in alignment, happy and my best self, because that’s just not true. Either way, I sincerely hope you enjoyed this post. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below (or at qlifequeens@gmail.com, if you’re more comfortable speaking privately).

Until next time!

On Feeling Broken

Hello Queen,

I can't believe that it's been a week since we have last spoken. But to be honest with you, I just took a much needed break. I was feeling overwhelmed and overworked (as evidenced by the most recent posts on this blog), but now I am back and ready to take action on the inspiration that has been nearly overwhelming me in the past few days. But before I do so, I want to remind you that taking time off is completely okay. And that when you take time off, please take it in full (IE no task off any kind outside of your basic responsibilities). I tell you this as a perfectionist and overachiever.

Now on with the content!

Okay, so I just turned 24 a few days okay and I have to tell you something strange that I experienced. I was sitting at dinner with my friends and I just suddenly was overcome by insecurity. Not insecurity over my physical appearance (as I have thankfully overcome that) but just insecurity and discomfort. I suddenly felt like I didn't know myself or what I wanted or what I stood for. I have been grappling for weeks over establishing my values, but have been reluctant to give it any actual serious thought. By now, I know avoiding the pain of confronting my own thoughts doesn't allow me to avoid the pain of feeling the feelings. And that is exactly what I felt when I turned 24 (quarter-life crisis is that you??)

Why is that when my life feels so perfect in every way that I still feel incomplete in some integral way? This feels like a massive breakthrough to me but it didn't start this way. I went through stages; stage one occurring at my birthday. Then I quickly moved into loneliness, doubt, back to crippling insecurity before settling on curiosity. I started to question what these feelings were trying to tell me and why they were coming up now. Sure, I felt like shit at very bizarre points in the day and seemingly at random, but I have always preached being human. And being human means accepting all of your emotions for what they are--even the shitty ones.

But then I did hit the tipping point. I went to Barnes and Noble to do what always cheers me up (read a good self-help book). So, imagine my surprise when I was only able to ride the high of the self-help until I finished the book (as a side note I also began to question when I became a self-help junkie. But then I comforted myself because I know that I apply what I learn and don't just ride the high). This lead me to the question that I feel is really going to help me understand myself and that I had been avoiding asking all this time.

Why do I feel broken? I feel like I was a mirror that shattered and I spent year painstakingly putting back together only to be dismayed when I could still feel the cracks (very melodramatic I know, but it perfectly describes that heavy feeling I had been burying under layers of positivity and skill development).

Well, I wish I could tell you that I had some kind of massive revelation, but I didn't. Because in true QLQ honesty, I will tell you that I am writing this post to avoid doing the serious internal work that answering this question will entail. Because answering why I feel broken will also mean answering when I broke. That's all I have for you today, but I want this post to be an open and honest expression of the journey that I am on. As wonderful as I feel, I still have bad days and weeks and I still grapple with issues that I was sure I had overcome.

Vulnerably yours,

Shar