Redefining Success: Picking Yourself Up When You Feel Like a Failure

The real thief of motivation is slow progress and impatience.


Hello My loves,

I am back and this time I want to talk about success. As you know, I feel like I have been having difficulty committing to things. I need instant gratification and when I don't get it, I'm just like eh, it's too hard. I have a deep seated fear of being lazy, so feeling like I couldn't stick to anything really triggered me.

As it turns out, once I reflected back on my life, I realized that I had committed and successfully completed many things. I was just so focused on what I had started and never finished. It wasn't me that was off (although I can acknowledge that there are some areas I need to work on), it was my perspective of what success is. Which brings me to the point of this blog.

When it feels like something is not quite right, I encourage you to sit down and voice what it is that is bothering you. Trust me, I am one to repress and deny. I'd rather believe that the anger is coming from outside of me than acknowledge that something is wrong. But without acknowledging what it is you'll spend weeks (or longer) putting band-aids on a wound you refuse to see. If you feel like a failure, shift your perspective and remember only you have the power to crown yourself. Choose to crown yourself queen of success and not queen of failure.

My point is that you define success. I felt like a failure so I thought I was and acted like I was. All I could see was where I had failed and not where I had flourished. I definitely fell into victim mode and looked outside of myself to figure out why I felt like shit, was irritable and in general unmotivated. The problem was that my definition of success existed outside of myself. It existed in my results and not in my progress.

So, when I couldn't see results, I gave up, got angry and wondered why I wasn't succeeding. This is the lesson that I would like to convey to you my queen. You are succeeding! You take steps every single day to better understand yourself, your world, your business and your strategy. No matter how many times you fall, you get back up. If you find yourself like me getting frustrated and doubting yourself because you're not "successful," redefine success. Remind yourself of how far you have come and how far you will go. Yes, that is a Moana reference.

Planning for the Future: How do you adult like you care?

Dear Queen,

I am an incredibly impulsive person. I am quick to think about what would make me happy in that moment and forget all about the future repercussions. As you all know, I have been on this journey to better understand myself, move out of a fixed mindset and become who I want to be.

I've gotten pretty good at this, but I also want to write about some of the anxiety that comes with trying to act in the best interest for who you will be.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE NOW, LET ALONE WHO YOU WANT TO BE

This is the biggest block. I'm on a mission to live like I give a fuck, so I think about what I'm working towards and what I want my life to look like. This even means thinking about what my ideal retirement would look like. Yes, that is obsessive.

But, I occasionally do it, so that I can be honest about myself about whether or not I am really acting in my best interest.

Girl, I don't fucking know if what I want my future to look like now is what I will want it to look like in the future. I want to make sure that I'm acting in my best interest as much as possible, but I also feel confused and kind of anxious because what if I'm wrong? It's like pick a husband, build your business, build your credit score, have fun and oh yeah, do you want kids, get to having them sis. Ah, so much anxiety.

What helps? Picture what you want, keep it in mind and then let that shit go and trust that it will happen.

FUCK, THAT SEEMS SO FAR AWAY

Impulsive, free-spirit me doesn't want to plan for the future. She wants to stop doing things that make her unhappy, take the world by storm, be young and stupid and live in a mansion on a beach in South America. What do you mean I have to build my career?? I just want to save money so I can ball with my friends.

It is way too easy to think, "Well, if I'm always pursuing happiness in that moment, then I will always be happy." Yes, inner philosopher. But girl, you can't get to the mansion, empire and sexy husband without putting in the work and sacrificing now.

Still, I eye the new stuff and vacations like: "come to me, baby."

WHAT YOU WILL WANT AND WHAT YOU HAVE NOW ARE WORLDS APART

I want to be on a boat, touring my island and running my empire. Right now, I'm chugging cheap wine, and begging credit card companies not to send my account into collections. Don't get me wrong, life is good in many ways, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be. That is fucking okay. While I may feel like I'm behind everyone else and like I'm old as fuck, I must remind myself that I am only 23.
The stress comes from feeling like the worlds are so far apart. I freak out and quit because I can't even fathom how I'm going to get there. And girl, how I get there isn't my business. I just know that I get there, and until then, I'm going to follow my passion.

Where you want to be

Where you actually are. Except you can't afford the wine, and you don't have curtains. 

WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG

Ah, the big boy. What if I make all those moves, only to get to the future and realize that what 23 year old me wanted is not what 45 year old me wanted? This question can be paralyzing. So much so, that I'm just like, I should make no decisions at all and just live in the now. That would be easier than doing something and failing. Well, that's not true sis. Even if you fall on your ass a trillion times, it would be better than living with the regret of knowing that you never even tried.

Take comfort in the fact that success is a journey. If you're doing something and it doesn't feel true to you, you will always adjust. 

So, in conclusion. Yes, act in your best interest and take whatever comfort you can from knowing that it's a stressful thing, but you will succeed. 

Boss Not a Worker: Tips for the Queen Who Knows She is Meant for More

My Queens!

I have missed you, although I just spoke to you a couple of days ago. Yes, I am aware that the lyric is  "I'm a boss, you're a worker, bitch." But, we're not going for that vibe today. 

I really believe that the energy we put out there can change the way we view life and the things that I can happen. As such, I work really hard to understand myself, better myself and keep a positive and grateful mindset. It’s unrealistic and dishonest to say that I can do that all the time, but I try to.

Hate. That’s something I’ve recently admitted. I’ve been telling myself that I love things that I don't because I don't want to be ungrateful. I came to the realization that by living like that, I felt like I was performing. At the root of my desire to lie to myself about how happy I am was this fear that by being unhappy, I was being ungrateful and therefore the universe would punish me. Hello Catholic upbringing.

Well, I don’t fucking believe in divine punishment. And, hate can be a good thing. As crazy as it sounds, hating something doesn’t mean that you are ungrateful for it. If something isn't working in your life and you hate it, then GOOD! Let that be your motivation.

That hate is coming from knowledge that your life could be better and that you have the power to make it that way. That hate is your reminder that you can be doing more.

If you spend your life saying, I’m okay, when you’re not, you’re going to find yourself okaying it until your death. As a queen, I aspire for greatness. Not for mediocrity. Yet, here I was judging myself because I couldn't settle into mediocrity.

We are our own worst critics and judges. For this post, I invite you to repair your relationship with yourself. Forgive yourself for hating something that you think you should be grateful for. Since it's April, I will leave you with this poem.

Managing Jealousy and Trusting your Journey

Hello My loves,

In true millennial fashion, I am bringing you this post that was partially inspired by a tweet that I felt on a spiritual level.

I watch a lot of fucking YouTube, and I'm not going to lie to you. I was sipping the haterade for a second. How were these people my age and so much more successful? Not that I loved and supported these people any less, it just made me feel some type of way about myself. Was I a fucking loser because I didn't own a house, my finances weren't together and I don't run my own multi-million dollar business? When did I get left behind?

I love empowerment, and I'm all about stepping into your power, but it's okay for you to have moments when you're insecure, jealous, angry, or resentful. You're a person and your emotions will fluctuate. One bad day does not make you a bad person.

I am also one hell of a drama queen, and even one day of feeling lousy about myself will freak me out. I will think that I have been feeling this way for weeks, even if just yesterday I was happy and confident as can be. The heavier emotions cloud my perspective of everything and I begin to worry that I am being ungrateful.

For me, it's not that serious. If I feel like I've been lost in a funk for twenty years, I remind myself that I have been mostly happy and optimistic. I remind myself that stepping into my power isn't about suppressing the less pleasant parts of being human. It's about moving forward and staying true to myself and my desires.

Well, as far as the jealousy goes, in the words of Cara Alwill Leyba, "Eyes on your own paper." It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing. What matters is what you are doing. Trust your own journey and that everything will come to you when it is meant to. There is no great rush or competition to see who can get there first. You're on a mission to build an empire that will last. Not one that you rush to build so it can look better than the one next door.

Now, go on my badass queen, and keep doing you!

My Desires or Social Expectation: Children

Let's play a fun game called: "do I really want this?" Of course, I am on a journey to fully understand me and one part that is really foggy is understanding whether I really want this or if I have been told that I should want it.

Nothing is off limits on this blog, so let's get real deep and personal. I don't think I want kids. I have been saying this for years and it is no less true at 24 than it was when I was 16. Some people are very accepting of this, while others are horrified and try to convince me that I will change my mind later.

I don't know if I will change my mind, but for now I'm incredibly sure that motherhood is something that I am not interested in. Is it fucked up that when I envision the future, I don't see children it? I've pictured my ideal life when I'm like 80 and I just see me and my husband chilling in the south of France.

But of course, I've been socialized. As soon as I picture that my mind conjures up images of me and my husband alone while all of our friends hang out with their kids and grandkids and great grandkids. My beautiful future turns into a fucked up scene from a sad Christmas movie. And you know what's even more fucked up? This is the story society tells us will happen if we don't have children. We'll be old and lonely and excluded from society and a burden on strangers because no one will take care of us.

So, I try to force children into the picture. I force myself to see fully grown kids with families of their own.  I try to picture my husband and I at family holidays and playing with our grandkids. We are laughing and smiling, but it just all feels so fake. And it also feels wrong and inauthentic. In my mind, we are happier when it's just the two of us. We visit our siblings and their children. We hangout with our friends and keep each other company. This version feels happier and more true to me.

But, I've been told that I should want children. So why don't I? What's worse? The regret of not having children or the pain of having a child and realizing that you never wanted it? It feels like there is no answer. Adding to my confusion and anxiety around this topic is knowing that I only have so many years of fertility and that if I decide that having children is my own authentic desire I don't want to still be raising them in my forties. Is it possible to have FOMO around parenthood? Like everyone goes to the party and it looks fun, so you want to go only to realize that this party sucks?

I wish I had some advice to pass along to you. Or that there was some motivation or inspiration in this blog, but there is not. It's just me talking about something that has been bothering me.

Living a Purpose Driven Life: The Importance of Ambition and Commitment

Good Morning My Queens,

Welcome back to another episode of Shar's selfish time. With some inspiration mixed in.

Wow! I can't believe that it has been ten days since I've posted on this blog. I am so sorry, loves. It was an insane week of work, and I've been so focused on my channel (the shar IRL tab on this blog if you're interested). I'm not perfect, and I'm still striving for balance, but I promise that I thought of you often.

I have been working on better understanding myself and owning up not only to the ways that I am great, but to the mistakes I make. I'm all about empowerment and taking the throne, but part of empowerment is recognizing where you need to grow.

Photo by Mervyn Chan on Unsplash

In evaluating my life, I realized that I have an issue with commitment (and not just when it comes to relationships).  I was listening to a podcast (Optimal Living Daily) and one of the episodes was about why ambition is not enough. You also need to commit. What's the point of a bunch of half-assed and incomplete projects? We're not on a mission to build an empire of ruins here.

By this point, you know that I am into all things woo. I keep my eyes and ears open for any message from the universe. I feel like I was meant to listen to this podcast, because it helped me realize that while I have ambition in groves, I don't often commit.

I will eagerly jump into a project, but as soon as I feel like I'm not reaping rewards, I drop it. You know what? That's not how a queen lives. A queen does not drop her empire when things get difficult. How can I expect to see the sun when I am not willing to walk through the night?

Photo by Allef Vinicius on Unsplash

I believe in continuous self-improvement, so for the next 28 days I am going to commit to one thing. There are no excuses. I don't care about the potential rewards. I just need to flex that commitment muscle and prove to myself that I can do this. My challenge to myself is to go gluten-free, dairy-free, added-sugar free and unprocessed. In addition, I will workout, at full-force 6 times a week. I am going at the higher end of the spectrum here because the idea is to challenge myself. I want to force myself to commit when things are hard. When I'm tired and don't feel like it. When something else is so tempting.

I chose my health and diet because this was one area of my life that I was seriously neglecting. I am extremely affected by an unhealthy lifestyle. I know that this challenge will help improve other areas of my life. At the very least, my mood will be improved and I will know that I can stick with something voluntarily.

So, I challenge you. Is there an area of your life that you feel like you can improve? If so, I want you to commit to improving for the next 28 days.

"If you are persistent you will get it. If you are consistent you will keep it."

Photo by jim flores on Unsplash

Until next time my beautiful queen.

Perseverance: The Bright Side to Hating Your Job

My Loves,

It's so nice to talk to all of you again. When I was little, I really hated school because I hated being forced to do anything. The way I saw it was, my life is my own, my time is my own and how dare you even think of wasting it. I was very philosophical child (also stubborn).

Well, as an adult, that ish ain't no different. I still hate being forced to do anything, but now the target of my resentment is having to work. I one hundred percent acknowledge that work is temporary situation. Like all of you empire building queens, I am in the process of launching and expanding my businesses. That takes time, and in the meantime, I am required to work because I have to live.

Now, I am grateful for the jobs that I do have, but they are definitely not what I am meant to do. If you are anything like me, you feel like you're meant for more. Maybe you look around and you think, this can't be it. Does the very thought of going to work in the morning make your soul cringe, not because your job is awful, but because you are so not aligned with your purpose?

Same, my queen. I wake up in the morning, think about what I would rather be doing and then internally cry at the fact that my day will not look the way that I want it to look in my head now. This doesn't mean that I am ungrateful for my jobs, just that they are no what I am meant to do.

Sometimes working is so frustrating, and if you have to keep envisioning your ideal life just to get by, then do you my queen. Manifest like a boss and trust that what is meant for your is already yours; You just don't know it yet. I wish I had some life-changing advice to offer you, but I don't.

I just want to share my experiences with you as someone who is working to fulfill her destiny and live differently. You hear so many stories of people who are at the top, but they glaze over what their life was like when they were at the bottom. This blog is me chronicling my journey.

So, if you really don't like your job and wish more than anything that you were running your business on an island somewhere with drink in hand and the freedom to do as you wish, know that it is coming. For now, stay grateful and remember that it is okay to want more from your life.

"While my inner voice was clearly telling me I was at my core an entrepreneur, it's inconvenient to decide at twenty-three that you can't really work for other people." Kelly Cutrone and Meredith Bryan, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Dear Former Broke Girl

My Queens!

Oh my gosh, I've missed you so much. I was thinking really heavily about this topic and like anything I go through or feel, I decided to bring it to this blog.

So, I burned out a couple of weeks. I still had passion for QLQ and SCG enterprises, but I was so tired. Worse than tired, I was angry, and I couldn't figure out why. I realized that I hadn't taken the time to mindfully enjoy my free time in weeks. While I took breaks, I did not fully engage with them. Queen, we are all about raising our vibration, staying blessed and grateful and confronting our emotions. So, I did something about it. I am blessed that my income has increased enough for me to occasionally go out and spend like 30 bucks.

Your girl checked out the new pizza place, went to happy hour and just indulged in experience that I had denied myself for six plus months. I did this for about 3-4 days. I gave thanks to every single thing that I did. If food was delicious, or drinks were amazing, I thanked the universe, God and money for allowing me to experience it.

But, there was something I kept noticing. Anytime I would make a purchase, no matter how small, I would cringe. All I could think about was what if I need this money later? Doomsday scenarios played with every swipe. I spent 5 dollars, I would think about what if I needed that five dollars in the future for rent? I bought a drink I thought "oh no, what if I won't have enough money later for the train." I knew I had the extra income, but all I could think about was potential extra, unexpected expenses.

And you know what? Girl, that's not the kind of life that I want to live. Money is one of the most important relationships in my life, and I don't want to be afraid of it. Every time my heart stopped with fear, it reminded me that this was an area of my relationship with money that I needed to work on. And I am still working on.

I combatted my fears by telling myself that I was so incredibly grateful to partake in the experiences of eating out and being around people. If later on, I was short money than I would never not be thankful for the experiences. I would just trust that things would work out, the money would eventually come to me, and I would listen hard for whatever lesson I needed to learn should the worst happen. And then I let that shit (negative thoughts and feelings around spending) go. Mindset matters.

So. Dear former broke girl,

It's okay for you to make money. You don't have to live in a scarcity mindset because you have been broke before. Treat yourself to something nice (don't get reckless now. I'm not saying max out your credit cards and empty your bank account). Just know that you do live in a world of abundance and if like me, you are afraid to spend money because you have been broke before, I encourage you to work through that. My top tip is gave thanks to all of the experiences that money allows you to have and instead of solely thinking about the experience of being broke, think about the lesson you had to learn by being broke. Money is not your enemy and it never was. Go on my manifesting babe! Things will work out.

"We're flying first class, up in the sky"- Fergie, Glamorous. LOL sorry, I had to do it. 

Until next time Babes!