I am an overachiever. It is true and it's something that has caused me a lot of hassle and pain over the years. I will be honest and say I am scared to post this. This post is such an honest exploration of some of my personal faults/my shadow self. But this blog has always been about my journey and what I have learned along the way, so, here we are.
I am an overachiever, which I am not proud of. This is firmly rooted in my shadow self and my ego. While I could write an entire post about the expectations put on women to be everything to everyone and to take everything on, I want to ground this in how this has showed up in my life.
I struggled with depression for a huge part of my childhood and teenage years and that (in combination with many other reasons I can now recognize as an adult) led a lot of people to perceive me as lazy. I hate that so much because it is a judgment and it is an untrue and unfair one. Struggling with a mental illness and the challenges of depression were so incredibly difficult for me. The symptoms and realities of what that makes someone's life look like does not make someone lazy. Nor does it ever give you permission to say that to someone. But because I was a child, I took that label of lazy and absorbed it into my identity. I made it so that within my shadow existed the fear of not doing or being enough.
Nothing I ever did felt like an accomplishment or something I worked for. I would constantly say I was lazy without acknowledging how much I did and took on in my life. I often had my hands on multiple projects, had strong goals that I was constantly working for, and tried new things all the time. From this blog to a podcast, to my degrees, to the business I started, to my YouTube channels, my job, my health and wellness, my hobbies, etc...
It didn't matter what I was doing or how much I was doing. I just always felt like I was lazy. That despite how much I worked on my passions, it just wasn't a big deal. Throughout my life, so many people have pointed out to me just how much I do and were absolutely incredulous at the idea that I could believe that I was a lazy person.
I recognize now that I am not, nor have I ever been lazy--to be clear there is nothing wrong with rest. In fact, rest is of critical importance, and choosing to rest never makes someone lazy. I recognize and accept now that other people's projections have absolutely NOTHING to do with me or my identity. Hell, it doesn't have to be my business, even if they try to make it my business. And while I could write a whole other post on identity, self-worth, and other people's perceptions, that's not what this post is about.
Because I recently realized that everything I just shared with you is exactly why I am an overachiever. I unintentionally made it a subconscious belief that I had to do the most. And not only did I have to do the most, I had to be the most "high-value" person in the room. I had to be the best and take on all of the projects so that I could prove to myself and others that I deserved to be here. And by here I literally mean on this earth.
I know that is such a ridiculous thought because no one has to earn their right to exist, but again I am being vulnerable here and sharing what was really going on in my shadow. I felt like I had to earn my right to exist via the volume and quality of work I put out.
So I would take on the 8 million things and volunteer to take on all of the projects. I would notice inefficiencies and make it my business to fix them. And my love, all this got me was a whole lot of fucking burnout. I am talking about burnout so severe that I completely lost myself and was a shell of a person curled up on the ground.
And so I write this post to remind myself that I do not have to do the most. And I do not need to be the person who takes on everything. Just because there is a better way to do something, does not mean that I need to be the one to fix it, nor do I always need to be the one who cares.
It is okay to have high standards for yourself if this is something that feels good for you. But if the high standards you have for yourself are causing you to feel small, restricted, or overwhelmed, it's time to reevaluate. And if this desire to take on everything and do everything is coming from the need to prove yourself (exactly as it shows up for me), it's time to look inward. I can only say I am so fucking tired of living in the cycle of overachieving, burnout, recovery, overachieving. It's time to create a new pattern.
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